The 6 "R's" of a Consequence
By Thomas B. Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T.
co-author of Couple Talk
If a consequence is not REASONABLE, RESPECTFUL, AND RELATED you will get RESISTANCE, RESENTMENT, AND REBELLION. To have the best chance at avoiding resistance, resentment, and rebellion from your child be reasonable and respectful as you apply a related consequence.
1. Reasonable – A consequence does not have to HURT. It is not reasonable for a child to be “grounded” from his bike for a week when he doesn’t put it away as told. It is not reasonable to have your toys taken away when you didn’t share them with your sibling. It is not reasonable to lose the chance to watch your favorite T.V. program for a week because you didn’t do the dishes. It is not reasonable to be “grounded” to the house for two weeks when you don’t come home by curfew time. It is not reasonable to lose computer I.M. privileges for the rest of the marking period because her grades are too low. The point of a consequence is to help the person learn how to make a different choice next. If it hurts then the learning opportunity get lost in feelings of hurt and anger.
2. Respectful – Talk to your child with respect and understanding. Set your feelings of anger, or disappointment aside. Speak to the behavior that you desire your child to learn to manage. Avoid words that send an underlying message to the child that he or she is not good enough. Words wound and take longer to heal than a physical blow. Never say, “You are refusing to do it just to push my buttons” or “You can’t do anything right.”
3. Related – This is difficult for most parents. The consequences need to relate to what happened. So many times we have generic consequences; “If you hit your brother, you can’t use your Nintendo.” “If you don’t pick up your toys you can’t use your Nintendo.” When the consequence is unrelated it is interpreted in the mind of the child as punishment. When a punishment is applied the focus is taken off the behavior and placed on the one applying the punishment. Thus the child begins to focus on the parent and what is now being “done” to them. They utter words like, “Why are you picking on me,” “You’re so unfair,” “My parents don’t understand me.” They are not thinking about what to do different next time or what they need to learn from the choice they made. The focus on learning a new skill is lost.
Here is a quick formula to help you keep a consequence Related:
1. You have an opportunity to…
2. You have a responsibility…
3. You were not being responsible this way…
4. Thus you lose the opportunity to…
Here is how the application of the formula sounds:
“You have an opportunity to play with the blocks, you hit your friend and took his blocks. That is not safe. It is my job to keep you and the others safe. It is your job to be safe as you play with your friends. You lose your opportunity to play with the blocks. You need to choose a different place to play.”
“You have the opportunity to interact and be around other people. You were hurtful when you hit Joe. That is not safe. You have a responsibility to be safe in your interactions with others. So you lose your opportunity to be with others and you need to spend some time in this area doing things by yourself.”
Thomas B. Haller is a Couples and Family Therapist and the co-author of Couple Talk, a "how-to" book for couples wishing to develop their skills and techniques for enhancing their relationship with their partner. He is also widely sought after as a national and international presenter in the areas of parenting, interpersonal relationships, and chronic pain. Thomas is also the founder and director of Healing Minds Institute, a center devoted to teaching others to focus and enhance the health of the mind, body, and spirit. Visit www.healingmindsinstitute.com for more information on Thomas Haller and his work.
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