25 Insightful Morsels About Children
By Thomas B. Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T.
co-author of Couple Talk
1) Children need unconditional love.
It is important for children to know that they are loved for who they are and not for their actions and behaviors. This is placed first because it is the basis of all that you do with your children. Show your child, more than just telling them, that you love them.
2) 75-85% of a young child’s actions are unconscious.
As a child moves through a day, many of their behaviors are not consciously thought through beforehand. You may even ask them, “Why did you do that?” and they usually respond, “I don’t know”. This is because they truly do not know.
3) The unconscious mind processes the word “don’t” as a “do”.
For example: When you say the phrase, “Don’t run!” the unconscious mind actually hears “**** run!” State what you want to have happen. “Don’t run!” can be stated as “Walk your feet.” This process is the same for adults as well as children.
4) Children are concrete thought processors.
If it is not in the hand it is not in the mind. They need to see as well as touch in order to learn. Their minds are not developed to the level of grasping the abstract. (Describe an elephant to a child who has never seen one.)
5) Children learns through play.
Children learn by doing. They are motivated by their own desire to make sense of the world. When you see a child playing they are learning.
6) Children learn through mistakes.
Children learn thought their smart mistakes. They learn to grow and feel encouraged from their new experiences. As a parent be willing to let your child make mistakes.
7) Children are observant, they notice everything.
They observe actions-reactions-interaction, behaviors, and words, from siblings, friends, adults, and the media (T.V./Radio).
8) Children do what the adults around them do.
If you want your child to learn something, get involved in doing it yourself. If you are doing something you don’t want your children to do, STOP.
9) Children act out the feelings of the adults around them.
Children are unconsciously aware of the feelings of the adults around them. When an adult is not effectively handling their own feelings, a child will do it for them through their behavior.
10) Children know more than what the words convey and the faces say.
Emotional tone and body language send a stronger message to children than the actual words.
11) Children need rules and guidelines.
Children need to feel safe and the way they know they are safe is through the protection of the rules. Without rules, a child’s life becomes chaotic; they are not sure what to do or what not to do. This results in the child seeking out a place that is safe (has rules) or they do everything in hope that someone will stop them.
12) Children need stability and consistency.
Routine, routine, routine. The more stable and consistent a child’s life is the more sure they are of their environment. They know what to expect.
13) Children need guidance and direction in making everyday decisions.
Stay away from making the decisions for the children. Talk through possible outcomes of the decisions and various solutions. Let the child make the choice from that point.
14) Children can manipulate.
Know that when children become angry, scared, or sad, they strive to express their feelings and have their needs met through behavioral outbursts, tantrums, crying, etc. Be encouraging.
15) Children ”play” one parent “off” against the other.
It is important for parents to be unified in their approach to parenting. When they are not, children know this and will continually confront the parents with manipulation.
16) It is O.K. for a child to feel angry (sad, scared, happy).
Children have feelings too and they need to be allowed to express their feelings. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are.
17) It is comforting for children to see their parents taking care of themselves.
When a child sees their parents exercising, eating a balanced diet, getting rest, and participating in hobbies, they know that their needs will also be met in these areas and others.
18) Children enjoy the company of their parents.
The parent is the most important person in the child’s life and they enjoy spending time with that person. What is important to a child is time spent not money spent.
19) Children need personal/private time.
Children need the time to just BE. Being alone gives them the opportunity to think about their day and evaluate what they have learned and attach meaning to it for themselves.
20) Children are creative and whatever they create is good enough.
Your way may not be their way. It is the process of the doing that is important to them, not the product.
21) Children can problem solve.
Give the child the tools to problem solve. Discuss the problem, the possible consequences, and the various solutions. Together figure out what is needed to solve the problem and allow the child to make the final decision.
22) Children have short attentions spans-approximately 3-5 minutes.
Keep it short and simple. As children age, their attentions span increases, slowly. As an adult your attention span is approximately 10-12 minutes.
23) Children enjoy music and singing.
Children are exposed to a continuous beat all their lives, from the beat of their hearts, to the beat of waling, to the beat of language. Music and singing brings that beat to a more conscious level.
24) Children have headaches too.
75-80% of all children have had some kind of headache. 20% of all 7-year-old children have one or more headaches per month. 30% of all 14-year-old children have one or more headaches per month. 70-90% of all children with migraine has a family history of the disease.
25) Children are not adults.
At times, children act in adult ways. They want to be like “grown-ups”. However, children perceive things differently and they process thoughts different than adults. Stay away from expecting children to be adults or do adult things.
Thomas B. Haller is a Couples and Family Therapist and the co-author of Couple Talk, a "how-to" book for couples wishing to develop their skills and techniques for enhancing their relationship with their partner. He is also widely sought after as a national and international presenter in the areas of parenting, interpersonal relationships, and chronic pain. Thomas is also the founder and director of Healing Minds Institute, a center devoted to teaching others to focus and enhance the health of the mind, body, and spirit. Visit www.healingmindsinstitute.com for more information on Thomas Haller and his work.
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