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The CoupleTalk Newsletter #10
Welcome! This is a free newsletter about creating a communication style that honors both you and your partner.
MISSION STATEMENT
Our mission is to strengthen couples and improve their communication by providing them with essential tools for creating a loving, respectful relationship, one that is firmly held together with trust, caring, and compassion.
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Couple Talk Tip
2. Coupling Contemplation
3. Quote
4. Bumper Sticker
5. The Ten Commitments: Parenting with Purpose
6. Humor: What Is Love?
7. Sexual Health: Understanding Low Sexual Desire, Part 1
8. Questions and Answers
9. Sister Publications
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
11. Privacy Statement
1. Couple Talk Tip
All of us are familiar with DO choices. We make decisions to do thelaundry, clean the garage, watch television, go to the movies, plan a party. Some of us even create "to do" lists for things we want to remember to do on the weekend, accomplish before we leave on vacation, or complete on a trip across town to the mall. Less often do we make BE choices. A BE choice is a decision we make about how to BE when we DO whatever it is that we do.
Being gives birth to doing. If you decide to BE excited, it is likely youwill DO things that demonstrate excitement. If you decide to BE respectful and stay conscious of that choice, respectful behaviors will surely follow. What you DO will flow out of how you choose to BE.
How do you choose to BE in the relationship you have with your partner? Perhaps you could make a BE choice and discuss its content with your partner today.
2. Coupling Contemplation
No one can understand exactly how another person feels. So when your partner is caught up in strong emotion, it is not time to tell him or her that you understand. Remember, demonstrating understanding is more useful than saying that you understand.
You can demonstrate understanding by using reflective language that paraphrases what you heard or saw. If your spouse tells you that he or she is mad because of being publicly corrected at work, do not presume that you understand. State the feeling and a possible reason: "You feel mad because your boss made an example of you in front of your colleagues," or "You're mad at your boss for reprimanding you in public rather than in private."
Reflective listening is an act of respect. It informs your partner: I don't presume to know exactly how you feel, but I’m ready to listen and I want to understand.
As you continue to reflect what you think your partner is feeling, your active listening skills will improve, and so will your relationship.
To see your relationship grow, demonstrate understanding with reflective language.
3. Quote
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, Holy shit…What a ride!"
----Anonymous
4. Bumper Sticker
Spotted on a black Mazda in southern Michigan:
"Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground."
5. The Ten Commitments: Parenting with Purpose
BECOME THE PARENT YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE!
"The Ten Commitments: Parenting with Purpose" by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller is an inspirational and practical guide to parenting from the heart. Soon to be published, the book contains straight talk about what it means to be a committed parent in today's world. It will challenge you and make you a more effective parent. It will help you reduce stress in your parenting life and bring increased harmony to your family.
You will learn…
*Numerous strategies for raising responsible, caring, confident children.
*Multiple tips on how to teach the attitudes and behaviors you really want your children to learn.
*Realistic suggestions for how to create a culture of accountability in your family and implement consequences without wounding your child’s spirit.
*Advice on the importance of parenting with intentionality, vision, and a sense of mission.
Isn't parenting your child too important to leave to chance? Give your children a jump start to an enriched life by implementing the Ten Commitments.
Advance praise for "The Ten Commitments
"Transformational in nature. Use the Ten Commitments to transform your parenting style, your family relationships, and your attitude toward the important and sacred role of parenting."
----Ivonne Delaflor, founder of the nonprofit organization Mastery Life & author of "The Positive Child Through the Language of Love." www.masterylife.com
"I wish every new parent would read this book. It would help the parents and the children."
----Judith Minton, Family Life educator and founder of Voice Works Seminars, Ann Arbor, MI
"'The Ten Commitments' is a sacred book. It contains powerful wisdom. It is truly inspirational in nature."
----Reverend Neltje Marie, Kalamazoo, MI
6. Humor: What Is Love?
The question "What is love?" was posed to a group of 4- to 8 year-olds. The answers were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy – age 4
"When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love." Becky – age 8
"Love is when Mommy makes coffee for Daddy, and she takes of sip before giving it to him to make sure the taste is okay." Danny – age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris – age 7
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt and then he wears it every day." Noelle – age 6
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl – age 5
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann – age 4
7. Sexual Health: Understanding Low Sexual Desire, Part 1
On August 26, 1999, the World Association of Sexology approved a Declaration of Sexual Rights during the 14th World Congress of Sexology in Hong Kong and People's Republic of China. The declaration includes eleven sexual rights. This section of our newsletter is dedicated to the tenth declaration, "The right to comprehensive sexuality education." To exercise that right, we here provide a brief educational discussion of a sexual issue.
Understanding Low Sexual Desire, Part 1
By Thomas B. Haller, M.Div., MSW, ACSW, DST
The most common complaint heard in sex therapists' offices today is about having low sexual desire. In the first part of this two-part discussion, sexual desire, low sexual desire, and desire discrepancy will be defined. The discussion in Part 2, which will appear in next month's Couple Talk Newsletter, will focus on the most common causes of low sexual desire and the standard treatment approaches that are based on those causes.
Part 1: Sexual Desire Defined
Research shows that loss of sexual desire (or libido) will occur in approximately one third of all women in the years during perimenopause and after menopause. However, any woman can experience desire loss at any time in her life. Men are also subject to desire loss, but this phenomenon occurs less frequently among males.
Sexual desire can be defined as the motivation to have sex. It is often experienced as a "hunger" that drives one to seek sexual activity and sexual satisfaction. Sexual desire is often confused with sexual arousal (or excitement), which is the body's physical response to this motivational hunger. In arousal, women normally experience vaginal lubrication and men normally attain erections. Desire, however, typically occurs prior to arousal and possibly orgasm and is experienced more in the mind than in the body.
When a woman complains of low sexual desire, she usually experiences sex as "something she could live without." It is not that she doesn't like sex—many women with low desire often report pleasurable and satisfactory sexual experiences once they get started. Their usual problem is that they have trouble getting started. However, if women with low desire find themselves feeling relaxed and loving toward their partners, and the circumstances are just right, their desire for sex increases.
People with low desire often don't have "problems" unless they get involved in a relationship with someone whose desire level is out of sync with their own. When one partner has a higher desire level than the other, a mismatch, called desire discrepancy, occurs.
Relationship problems are a common result of desire discrepancy. The partner with the lower desire often feels pressured to have sex by the partner with the higher desire. The lower-desire partner begins to think of himself or herself as "broken" sexually. The partner with the higher desire often feels controlled, undesired, and rejected by the partner with the lower desire.
It is important to remember that there is no standard for desire. The person with the lower desire is not abnormal or "broken," and the person with the higher desire is not a "sex maniac." Since society is comprised of so many different kinds of people, it is unwise to think of sexual desire in terms of "normal." Couples need to think of their sexual relationship as what works best for them as a couple, and not compare their sexual relationship to societal averages that are often distorted.
Discovering what works best sexually for each individual and for the couple often takes considerable work, compromise, and negotiation. A certified sex therapist is trained in strategies and techniques that assist couples in desire discrepancy problems. If a couple is committed to work hard, and each individual is motivated to compromise and change, treatment is quite effective.
NEXT MONTH: Understanding Low Sexual Desire, Part 2: Common Causes and Standard Treatment Approaches
Thomas Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T., is an AASECT Certified Diplomate Sex Therapist who has worked in private practice for over 15 years in Bay City, Michigan. Therapy appointments with Thomas can be made by contacting Shinedling, Shinedling, and Haller, P.C., at (989) 667-5654.
8. Questions and Answers
Thomas,
For the past several months I have seen ads for surgical penis enlargement. My co-workers and I often sit around at break and joke about the possibilities. I'm wondering if this really is possible or just another scam.
Tim, Texas
Dear Tim,
Penis enlargement surgery is possible, but there are frequent complications. The results are disappointing for most men: a lengthening of the penis by about an inch and not much more, and only when flaccid, not when erect.
The surgical procedure can focus on increasing the thickness of the penis, which may involve skin grafts or injections of fat. More typically, the surgery involves increasing the penis length by removing fat from around the base of the penis or by severing and reattaching the supporting ligaments. Again, this may increase the length of the penis by only an inch or so.
Complications include the routine surgical complications, such as pain, bruising, swelling, and infection. In addition, the operation can damage the tube that transports urine from the bladder, reduce penile sensitivity, and cause erectile dysfunction. As if that weren’t enough, scar tissue can occur that could deform or even shorten the penis.
Because of the substantial risks and limited benefits, penis enhancement surgery should be reserved for cases of severe penile damage.
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
After reading the article in your last newsletter about understanding same-sex orientation, I think you can help me with a problem I am having with my gay brother.
My brother has recently met the "man of his dreams." The whole family loves this extremely kind and generous man my brother has found, and we are happy for the both of them. My only problem is that they are extremely flirtatious and indiscreet in expressing their affection for each other. My concern is that I am uncomfortable with their PDA (public display of affection) around my preteen children. I want to be supportive of my brother, and I also would like him to be more discrete around my children.
I would appreciate any advice you can give.
Ann in Chicago
Dear Ann,
If you find your brother’s displays of affection offensive, I hope you would have these same concerns regarding the public display of affection of a heterosexual couple. Assuming that you would find such displays offensive regardless of the gender of the lovers, then ask your brother to be more discreet in front of your family. When doing so, make it very clear to him that you are an equal opportunity spoilsport when it comes to "PDA."
Thomas
9. Sister Publications
Are you receiving our two sister publications, the Response-Able Parenting Newsletter and the Response-Able Educator Newsletter? If not, and if you would like to receive them, email ipp57@aol.com and tell us which one you would like to receive.
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
September 16, 6:00 pm-8:00 pm, Thomas presents The Many Facets of Parenting, Reigel Elementary School, Bay City Public Schools, Bay City, MI
September 22, 7:00 pm-9:00 pm, Chick presents The Ten Commitments, Children's Services of Wisconsin Society, Wausau, WI
September 23, 7:00 pm-9:00 pm, Chick presents Training of Trainers Refresher, Children's Services of Wisconsin Society, Wausau, WI
September 29, 7:00 pm-9:00 pm, Chick presents Parent Talk: Words That Empower, Words That Wound, Livonia Public Schools, Hayes Elementary School, Westland, MI
11. Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!
Copyright 2004 Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.
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