|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
The CoupleTalk Newsletter #9
Welcome! This is a free newsletter about creating a communication style that honors both you and your partner.
MISSION STATEMENT
Our mission is to strengthen couples and improve their communication by providing them with essential tools for creating a loving, respectful relationship, one that is firmly held together with trust, caring, and compassion.
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Couple Talk Tip
2. Coupling Contemplation
3. Quote
4. Bumper Sticker
5. New Book on the Horizon
6. Myth vs. Truth
7. Sexual Health: Understanding Sexual Orientation
8. Article: Stop Shoulding On Your Relationship
9. Sister Publications
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
11. Privacy Statement
1. Couple Talk Tip
Have you ever been in the middle of an argument and felt unsure what it was about? Have you ever felt like your partner was over reacting to an event or circumstance? When this happens, ask your partner one of the following questions.
“What else is this like?”
“Where else have you felt these feelings?”
“What are we really mad about?”
“If we knew what else this is about, what would it be?”
Questions like these can help you take a step back in the middle of negative behavior. They provide a time-out moment to reflect and reconsider the events unfolding around you. They permit you to call forth a new perspective, a deeper understanding, a new insight. They can help you see and experience things differently.
2. Coupling Contemplation
What would happen in your relationship if you were able to reduce the intensity of your feelings around an issue at hand and begin to see that issue from a different perspective? What would happen if you considered how you might feel about the issue ten years from now, twenty years from now, a hundred years from now? How would that slight shift in perspective affect your response to your partner?
Make the shift and watch what happens.
3. Quote
"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life.”
--John Miller
4. Bumper Sticker
Spotted on an old VW beetle bug in Cancun, Mexico (we needed help with the translation):
"Give thanks, unknown blessings are on their way.”
5. New Book on the horizon
The Ten Commitments: Parenting with Purpose is coming. This new book by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller is an inspirational and practical guide to parenting from the heart. It teaches parents how to put the Spirit Whisperer concepts into their parenting style.
Currently in production, this volume is a celebration of parenting. It is intended to encourage parents to commit or recommit to their family and to the important role they play in the lives of their children. It also provides practical ideas that will empower parents to improve.
A major premise of The Ten Commitments is that parenting needs to be done on purpose, with intentionality. By that we mean parenting with forethought, vision, and mission. This entails developing goals, values, and a parenting plan of action. It includes the belief that parenting is too important to leave to chance.
More information is coming soon!
6. Myth vs. Truth
Myth: If a man can’t get an erection, he can’t sexually satisfy a woman.
Truth: For most women a man’s erection is not the key to their sexual satisfaction. A woman’s sexual pleasure involves physical closeness, whole-body caresses, and clitoral stimulation.
7. Sexual Health: Understanding Sexual Orientation
By Thomas Haller
On August 26, 1999, the World Association of Sexology approved a Declaration of Sexual Rights during the 14th World Congress of Sexology in Hong Kong and People's Republic of China. The declaration includes eleven sexual rights. This section of our newsletter is dedicated to the tenth declaration, "The right to comprehensive sexuality education." To exercise that right, we here provide a brief educational discussion of a sexual issue.
Many people in today’s world view same-sex orientation (homosexuality) as an illness or a disorder. They maintain that the “disorder” can be attributed to some aspect of the person’s upbringing and the lack of nurturing during development. They point to a dysfunctional parent-child relationship as the cause for this “dysfunction” in sexual attraction. Some have said that homosexuality stems from a fear of heterosexual impulses, while others hold to the notion that homosexuality is due to an absent or detached father and a female dominated environment. Those who hold this view are building their ideas solely on opinion and perpetuating a myth.
The truth is, no evidence exists in the research of psychiatry or psychology that homosexuality can be attributed to an emotional dysfunction or a personality disorder. Researchers have found NO clear cut emotional or personality differences between homosexuals and heterosexuals. The evidence in the research indicates that homosexuality is no more of an emotional or a personality dysfunction than heterosexuality.
It is interesting to note that there has never been any research showing a link between emotional or personality disorders and homosexuality. In fact, the very opposite is what is found. The fact that homosexuals are just as well adjusted as heterosexuals has been established by numerous research studies (Berzon, 1979b; Griffin, Wirth and Wirth, 1985; Storms, 1986; Steckel, 1987; Money 1988; Greene and Herek, 1994).
The predominant view held by researchers and sexologists is that homosexuality is biologically based. Thus the term “sexual preference” is considered incorrect, therefore, because people do not choose their sexuality. Rather, sexual orientation, as Money put it, is something that happens like being tall or short, left-handed or right-handed, color blind or color seeing.
Those therapists who work closely with the gay, lesbian, transgender, and bi-sexual population speak of sexual orientation and expression as being both biological and social. Once the biological disposition is in place, personality and social factors take over to determine how sexual orientation develops. Many lesbians and gay men talk about choosing openly to accept and embrace a sexuality they feel they were born with. Others see their sexual orientation as more fluid and continuing to develop as they transition through life.
Even though same-sex orientation is not the “norm” it is also not pathological. To assert that homosexuality is an illness would be inaccurate and based solely on myth.
References provided upon request
Thomas Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T., is an AASECT Certified
Diplomate Sex Therapist who has worked in private practice for over 15 years in Bay City, Michigan. Therapy appointments with Thomas can be made by contacting Shinedling, Shinedling, and Haller, P.C., at (989) 667-5654.
8. Article: Stop Shoulding On Your Relationship
By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman, authors of "Couple Talk: How to Talk
Your Way to a Great Relationship"
A “should have” statement is a phrase designed to dispense guilt. It is an effort to attach shame and fix blame. “Should have” statements are verbal grenades that blow up in the face of the person to whom they are delivered.
“You should have listened to me.”
“You should have minded your own business.”
“You should have bought the truck.”
“You should have called him right away.”
“You should have told me sooner.”
“You should have asked me.”
“You should have paid closer attention.”
‘You should have saved the money.”
“You should have thought of that earlier.”
These “should have” statements and others like them do not build a relationship of trust and caring. Instead they leave your partner feeling apprehensive about bringing a problem or concern to your attention. Your partner becomes fearful of being bombarded with blame and ridicule. He or she avoids involving you in the search for solutions and looks for ways to keep information from you, closing down the line of communication.
There is no point in laying blame for what “should have” been done but wasn’t. The useful question is not whether the “right” thing was done but what action is appropriate now, given the current situation.
Resist telling your partner what you think they “should have” done. Consider altering your response to the choice your partner made. Select Couple Talk that attempts to communicate in a style that is open, honest, and direct.
If you have strong feelings about a behavior or desired response, communicate it directly. Explain the reasons for your feelings. Be specific in your complaints. Tell how the behavior impacts your life. Communicate to your partner exactly what you prefer and why. “I want you to call me when you’re going to be late so I don’t worry” is more effective than “You should have known better.” “I would like you to speak up for me when your mother talks to me like that” is cleaner than “You’ve really disappointed me this time.”
You will create more positive results in your relationship if you remove the “should have” verbal weapon from your language patterns. Stop “shoulding” on your partner and watch your relationship grow in mutual respect, caring, and connectedness.
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of "Couple Talk: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship" (available from Personal Power Press at toll-free 877-360-1477).
9. Sister Publications
Are you receiving our two sister publications, The Response-Able Parenting Newsletter and Response-Able Educator Newsletter? If not, and if you would like to receive them, email ipp57@aol.com and tell us which one you would like to receive.
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
August 4, Chick presents Celebrate The Spirit Whisperers, Volusia County Schools, Datona Beach, FL
August 18, 8:00am -3:30pm, Chick presents Character Education, Milan High School Auditorium, Milan Public Schools, Milan, MI.
August 25, 10:00 am - 11:30 am Chick presents Celebrate the Spirit Whisperers, Perry Public Schools, Perry High School Cafeteria, Perry, MI
September 11, 8:30am-4:30pm Thomas and Chick present, Celebrate the Spirit Whisperers, Master of Life, Santa Barbara, CA.
September 16, 6:00pm-8:00pm, Thomas presents The Many Facets of Parenting, Regal Elementary School, Bay City Public Schools, Bay City, MI.
September 22, 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm, Chick presents The Ten Commitments, Children's Services of Wisconsin Society, Wausau, WI
September 23, 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm, Chick presents Training of Trainers Refresher, Children's Services of Wisconsin Society, Wausau, WI
September 29, 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm, Chick presents Parent Talk: Words That Empower, Words That Wound, Livonia Public Schools, Hayle Elementary School, Westland, MI
11. Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!
Copyright 2004 Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.
|
|
 |
|
