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The CoupleTalk Newsletter #8
Welcome! This is a free newsletter about creating a communication style that honors both you and your partner.
MISSION STATEMENT
Our mission is to strengthen couples and improve their communication by providing them with essential tools for creating a loving, respectful relationship, one that is firmly held together with trust, caring, and compassion.
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Couple Talk Tip
2. Coupling Contemplation
3. Quote
4. Bumper Sticker
5. Couple Talk Archives
6. Wisdom of Youth
7. Sexual Health: What is sex therapy?
8. Article: Ten Things to Say to Promote Autonomy
9. Questions and Responses
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
11. Privacy Statement
1. Couple Talk Tip
“You should have known better.”
“You’ve really disappointed me this time.”
“Your behavior is affecting my health.”
“I can’t sleep at night worrying about you.”
A partner using these or similar phrases that communicate the message, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself,” is playing the game of guilt-tripping. It’s an attempt to get what he or she wants through manipulation and control. This kind of language reflects a belief that people must feel guilty before they will change—that if the other person can be shamed into feeling guilt, they will change their behavior and do what we want.
Along with shame and guilt come the core beliefs, I’m not good enough; I’m wrong; I can never do anything right—not exactly the kind of beliefs we want to reinforce in our partner. Shame and guilt are often counter-productive for another reason. The partner who is being shamed realizes on some level that they are being manipulated, pushed, and controlled. Manipulation breeds resentment. People who suspect they are being manipulated dig in their heels and resist outer control.
The alternative to selecting Couple Talk that attempts to shame is to communicate in a style that is open, honest, and direct. If you have strong feelings about a behavior or desired response, communicate it directly. Explain the reasons for your feelings. Be specific in your complaints. Tell how the behavior impacts your life. Tell your partner exactly what you prefer and why. “I want you to call me when you’re going to be late so I don’t worry” is more effective than “You should have known better.” “I would like you to speak up for me when your mother talks to me like that” is cleaner than “You’ve really disappointed me this time.”
2. Coupling Contemplation
If your partner is too emotionally caught up to express themselves skillfully, you have the option of lashing back in anger and pointing out their lack of skill or you have the option of hearing skillfully. You can choose to separate the real issue from the emotion, look past the lack of skill, and respond only to the real issue.
Which do you choose?
3. Quote
"If there is to be any peace it will come through being, not having.”
--Henry Miller
4. Bumper Sticker
Spotted on a SUV in Chicago:
"Get a new car for your spouse.
It’ll be a great trade!"
5. COUPLE TALK Archives
Did you miss a past issue of our Couple Talk Newsletter?
Not to worry, you can now find the Couple Talk Newsletters in the Archives
section on Thomas' Web site at www.thomashaller.com.
Here are some meaningful topics you will find in previous issues:
"Listening and Hearing"
Genital pain during intercourse
Boundary violations
Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis
"Five Conversations to Have with Your Partner Before the Holidays"
Quick answers (such as "I'm okay," "Everything's alright," or "I'm fine")
"The 10 Best Things to Say to Your Partner in 2004"
Chronic pain and sex
Talking to children about sex
Antidepressants can reduce sexual responsiveness
"It's Okay to Take It Back"
The Prescription Medication Diovan for Hypertension
"If I were you . . ."/"You should . . ."
Tantric Sex
“Five Ingredients for Developing Trust in a Relationship”
New Product for Enhancing Female Orgasm
Truth about Dating and Sex in Later Life
Ten Questions You Should Never Ask Your Partner
6. Wisdom of Youth
A 4 year old child had a next door elderly neighbor who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man’s yard and climbed on top of the man’s lap and just sat there. Then the boy’s mother asked him what he’d said to the neighbor, the little boy said “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”
7. Sexual Health: What is sex therapy?
By Thomas Haller
On August 26, 1999, the World Association of Sexology approved a Declaration of Sexual Rights during the 14th World Congress of Sexology in Hong Kong and People's Republic of China. The declaration includes eleven sexual rights. This section of our newsletter is dedicated to the tenth declaration, "The right to comprehensive sexuality education." To exercise that right, we here provide a brief educational discussion of a sexual issue.
Recently I have received several e-mail questions about sex therapy and what kinds of issues I treat as a sex therapist. I offer the following as a brief explanation.
Sex therapy involves talking to a qualified sex counselor or sex therapist about sexual concerns. Many therapists say they treat sexual issues but are not specifically trained and certified to do so. The goal of sex therapy is the resolution of sexual concerns and/or dysfunctions that are producing distress or conflict to one individual or both in a relationship. The discussions (always confidential) may include past experiences that are relevant to the present situation.
Sex therapy is usually brief in duration if the sexual concerns are uncomplicated. When medical factors or emotional issues complicate the picture the therapy may need to be longer. Sex therapy usually involves couples therapy because both partners are affected by the sexual concerns. However, individuals may also be treated if they are not in a committed relationship. Many sex therapists give “homework” to their clients to help them work on their difficulties between the sessions. This can speed up the therapy process. These assignments are commonly experiential exercises, written assignments, reading relevant books, or watching appropriate sex educational video tapes.
Sexual concerns can be caused by physical, emotional, or psychological problems. Physical problems such as disease or disability can affect the body’s sexual responses. Hormone imbalances, medication side effects, fatigue, chronic physical pain, and sexual pain are examples of some of the many physical causes. Anxiety, fear, stress, anger, depression, and sexual abuse history are some examples of emotional or psychological problems that may cause sexual concerns. Frequently a combination of physical and emotional factors creates the sexual difficulties. Often times sexual difficulties create emotional and/or relationship difficulties.
A certified sex therapist is trained to treat relationship issues including intimacy enhancement and communication enhancement, recovery from affairs, divorce, loss of a spouse, and domestic violence. They also treat sexual compulsions, problems of sexual desire, problems of sexual arousal, problems of sexual orgasm, and problems of sexual pain. Many sex therapists also address issues of sexual abuse or sexual assault, sexual orientation and gender issues, infertility and sexuality and a variety of sexual issues that arise through the life span.
To locate a certified sex therapist (or sex counselor) in your area contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.aasect.org.
Thomas Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T., is an AASECT Certified
Diplomate Sex Therapist who has worked in private practice for over 15 years
in Bay City, Michigan. Therapy appointments with Thomas can be made by contacting Shinedling, Shinedling, and Haller, P.C., at (989) 667-5654.
8. Article: Ten Things to Say to Promote Autonomy
By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman, authors of "Couple Talk: How to Talk
Your Way to a Great Relationship"
This Forth of July support your partner in becoming fully who and what they want to be by using words that promote independence. Listen to your words as you speak to your partner, are you encouraging them to grow and stretch in ways that are beneficial to them? Do your words cultivate independence or dependence? Listed below are ten things you can say to create an atmosphere of independence and autonomy in your relationship.
1. “I respect your right to choose.”
2. “If there is any way I can help, let me know.”
3. “While you visit the museum I think I’ll go shopping.”
4. “I enjoy you unique outlook on things. I’m glad we don’t see everything the same way.”
5. “I’ll support you from the sidelines on this one.”
6. “Let’s compare our goals and see how they’re the same and how they’re different.”
7. “I have needs that are different from yours.”
8. “Go ahead. I’ll meet you there.”
9. “What role would you like to have in the family?”
10. “Where do you need space right now?”
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of "Couple Talk: How to Talk
Your Way to a Great Relationship" (available from Personal Power Press at
(toll-free 877-360-1477).
9. Questions and Responses
Dear Thomas,
I want to thank you for your personalized autographed book, Couple Talk. I really like how you have categorized the chapters and have “hearing” at the end of each chapter. You captured a massive point of contention in communication—that of the receiver of messages “hearing” faulty messages. Amazing, isn’t it!
Take care and thanks again for your book.
Warmly,
Sally in Boca Raton
Sally,
I am pleased to hear that you are finding our book helpful. You have accurately identified the message we are trying to convey with the addition of the “hearing” section. Being aware of how someone is hearing your words as you speak them may also influence the words your chose and the tone to use. Communication that involves speaking and hearing is what holds a relationship together.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
Happy coupling!
Thomas
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
July 21 7:00pm-9:00pm, Chick presents Parent Talk: Words That Empower, Words That Wound, Ritz Carlton Hotel, Cancun, Mexico.
July 22 7:00pm-9:00pm, Thomas presents Managing Anger in Children, Ritz Carlton Hotel, Mexico.
July 27 12:00pm-1:00pm, Thomas Presents The Ten Commitments: Parenting with Purpose, Bay Area Exchange Club, Bay City, MI.
July 29-31 8:30pm-3:30pm, Chick presents The Parent Talk System Training of Trainers, Spring Arbor University, Dearborn, MI.
August 18 8:00am -3:30pm, Chick presents Character Education, Milan High School Auditorium, Milan Public Schools, Milan, MI.
September 16 6:00pm-8:00pm, Thomas presents The Many Facets of Parenting, Regal Elementary School, Bay City Public Schools, Bay City, MI.
11. Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!
Copyright 2004 Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.
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