|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
The CoupleTalk Newsletter #7
Welcome! This is a free newsletter about creating a communication style that honors both you and your partner.
MISSION STATEMENT
Our mission is to strengthen couples and improve their communication by providing them with essential tools for creating a loving, respectful relationship, one that is firmly held together with trust, caring, and compassion.
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Couple Talk Tip
2. Coupling Contemplation
3. Quote
4. Bumper Sticker
5. Couple Talk Archives
6. Humor
7. Sexual Health:The Truth about Dating and Sex in Later Life
8. Article: Ten Questions You Should Never Ask Your Partner
9. Questions and Responses
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
11. Privacy Statement
1. Couple Talk Tip
Want to help your partner feel heard? If so, purposely use language that invites your partner to share feelings, opinions, and varying perspectives. The following statements will help keep the discussion going and encourage openness. Use them the next time you are in an important conversation and watch what happens.
“Tell me more about that.”
“Help me understand your perspective.”
“Talk slower. I’m trying to process all that you’re saying.”
“What are some possible solutions that you’ve thought of?”
“How does that effect how you feel?”
2. Coupling Contemplation
It’s not the length of your relationship that is the measure of its success? A successful relationship is one in which both partners grow individually and collectively. It is one where each individual supports the other in becoming fully who and what they want to be for as long as they are together.
Why not measure the effectiveness of your relationship by the amount of support you give each other in becoming who and what you truly want to be? Would that change how you interact with each other? Would it alter how you see each other?
3. Quote
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power your relationship will know peace.”
--Anonymous
4. Bumper Sticker
Spotted on a tan Buick in Traverse City, MI:
"Wives are like antiques; they grow more precious with time."
5. COUPLE TALK Archives
Did you miss a past issue of our Couple Talk Newsletter?
Not to worry, you can now find the Couple Talk Newsletters in the Archives
section on Thomas' Web site at www.thomashaller.com.
Here are some meaningful topics you will find in previous issues:
"Listening and Hearing"
Genital pain during intercourse
Boundary violations
Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis
"Five Conversations to Have with Your Partner Before the Holidays"
Quick answers (such as "I'm okay," "Everything's alright," or "I'm fine")
"The 10 Best Things to Say to Your Partner in 2004"
Chronic pain and sex
Talking to children about sex
Antidepressants can reduce sexual responsiveness
"It's Okay to Take It Back"
The Prescription Medication Diovan for Hypertension
"If I were you . . ."/"You should . . ."
Tantric Sex
“Five Ingredients for Developing Trust in a Relationship”
New Product for Enhancing Female Orgasm
6. Humor
You know you’re getting older when you spouse says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love”, and you say, “Honey, I can’t do both.”
7. Sexual Health: The Truth about Dating and Sex in Later Life
On August 26, 1999, the World Association of Sexology approved a
Declaration of Sexual Rights during the 14th World Congress of Sexology in
Hong Kong and People's Republic of China. The declaration includes eleven
sexual rights. This section of our newsletter is dedicated to the tenth
declaration, "The right to comprehensive sexuality education." To exercise
that right, we here provide a brief educational discussion of a sexual
issue.
The Truth about Dating and Sex in Later Life
By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
Martha had been a widow for 12 years when she met John at a church function. She spent the evening talking with him, sharing life stories, laughing, and listening intently. Even though the conversation was stimulating and the hours flew past, Martha was surprised by John’s phone call the following afternoon.
When John called and asked Martha for a date, she was temporarily stunned. Her mind raced ahead. Thoughts and questions filled her head. “I can’t start dating at 70, can I? I haven’t been with a man since Howard died. I’m too old to be desirable. What are people going to say? He’s only 63? Oh, the thought of being touched by another man. I couldn’t.”
Martha’s internal dialogue was interrupted by John’s voice. “Hello. Are you still there?” Politely, Martha declined John’s invitation and hung up the phone.
What Martha found herself confronted with, was a decision not uncommon in today’s world. As the baby boom generation ages, their questions and concerns around dating and sex in their later years are becoming increasingly prevalent. When it comes to aging, many of our beliefs are often clouded by negative stereotypes. Myths about dating and sex in later life abound. Below are just some of these myths and the truth about dating in later life.
Myth: Older people are undesirable.
Truth: As you age your body changes, taking on a different shape and look from hair color and thickness to skin elasticity. Comparing your shape to that of a 20 or 30 year old is nonproductive. You have a rich, full life of experiences, knowledge, and talents that are all a part of who you are. Focus on your life, all that you have been, and your present interests. Your desirability lies in all that which is within you.
Myth: There is something wrong if an older person has a relationship with someone much younger.
Truth: As you grow older, relationships are built on common interests and attitudes about life and not on one’s age. Focus on what you enjoy about one another’s company and the connectedness you create around common interests. There is nothing wrong with an older person having a relationship with someone much younger.
Myth: People lose the desire for sex after the age of 60.
Truth: Many people report that they don’t have the SAME desire for sex at age 60 or 70 that they had at age 20 or 30. Their desire is not lost. It just becomes different. Closeness, touch, intimacy and quality sexual contact rather than quantity tends to predominate. Most older couples report that their sex life is as enjoyable and satisfying as it ever was.
Myth: Impotence is inevitable with age.
Truth: Older men MAY experience difficulties getting and keeping an erection and older women MAY experience delayed sexual response and vaginal dryness, but it is not inevitable. Medication can play a large part in changing ones sexual responsiveness. Minor adjustments in medication can often correct difficulties that may occur. Heart disease or hypertension can also contribute to experiencing sexual difficulties. So if you do experience sexual difficulties it is important to consult you doctor as soon as possible.
Myth: Sex is not complete without orgasm.
Truth: This is a myth people tend to believe at any age. Couples often attempt to make orgasm the focus of every sexual encounter. There is much more to sex than orgasm. Get involved in ways to please each other that is centered around intimacy and closeness. Focus on the process of love making rather than on the orgasmic outcome. Consider a gentle touch, holding hands, sensate focus exercises, an evening talking in front of a fire, or a quiet dinner for two. Experiment with forms of nonpenetrative sex such as mutual masturbation and sensual massage.
Myth: It’s inappropriate for older people to talk about sex.
Truth: Women and men, both young and old, report not being comfortable with talking to their partner about sex. For many people it is easier to DO sex then to TALK about sex. It is difficult to know what your partner likes and does not like when it comes to sex, especially early on in a relationship. Communication is the key to great sex. Discuss openly what you like and what you don’t like. Talk with your partner about what feels good and what does not. Explore how can co-create the sexual experience that you both desire.
Myth: To enjoy sex one needs to have a fit, agile body.
Truth: Pain and discomfort from arthritis and stiff joints can be an obstacle to sexual intercourse when people become older, but it is not a reason to eliminate sex altogether. Plan your sexual encounters around the times when you know you feel better. Take additional pain medication two or three hours prior to having sex. Experiment with yoga, Pilates, or your favorite exercise program to help yourself stay fit. Indulge yourself by going to a sauna, steam room, or health spa.
Cherish your body to the end of life; value yourself and your sexuality. Let go of the assumption that older people are no longer expected to want, need, or enjoy sexual activity. Remember you are a spiritual being, a social creature, and a sexual person all the days of your life. Nurture your whole self.
Thomas Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T., is an AASECT Certified
Diplomate Sex Therapist who has worked in private practice for over 14 years
in Bay City, Michigan. Therapy appointments with Thomas can be made by contacting Shinedling, Shinedling, and Haller, P.C., at (989) 667-5654.
8. Article: Ten questions you should never ask your partner.
By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
Ten questions you should never ask your partner.
1. “Does this dress make me look fat?”
2. “Do you think our new neighbor is handsome?”
3. “Do you ever wish you had married your high school sweetheart?”
4. “Who looks older me or my sister?”
5. “Am I well enough endowed for you?”
6. “Bill, what do you think I should do about my gray hairs?”
7. “Do you think I should go on a diet?”
8. “Was that good for you?”
9. “Does my shirt match my pants?”
10. “Am I the best lover you ever had?”
Ten answers you should never give to the ten questions you should never ask.
1. “No, it’s your fat that makes you look fat.”
2. “He’s hot!”
3. “Every day!”
4. “You do. By about a decade.”
5. “No.”
6. “Shave your chest.”
7. “In a New York minute.”
8. “Compared to what?”
9. “No. Your shirt has mustard stains. The pants contain peanut butter.”
10. “Ha, ha!”
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of "Couple Talk: How to
Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship" (available from Personal Power Press
at (toll-free) 877-360-1477).
9. Questions and Responses
Dear Thomas,
I am a 57 year old man who has been divorced for eight years and completely out of the dating world. Recently I have attempted to start dating by meeting women through the internet. I have been meeting and writing to women via e-mail. So here is my problem: I’m not sure what I should do when I have been corresponding with a woman for a period of time, then suddenly she stops responding. I don’t know if she didn’t receive my e-mail or if she’s just not interested. Should I write her again or should I stop and assume the relationship is through? This is all so new to me and I question if I should really be out there dating again.
--Stuck in cyberspace
Dear Stuck,
Your question is similar to an off’-line problem for those in the dating world. Unanswered e-mails are like unanswered phone messages. So think of your situation from this perspective. If you called someone once and did not hear back, would you call them again if it was really important? The question for you to consider is: How important is this relationship?
There is a variety of possible reasons why she didn’t return your message. Maybe she was sick or had an emergency. She could have been out of town. She could be really busy and didn’t get to it yet. Maybe she has a boyfriend that found your message. Perhaps she no longer wants to communicate with you. Or it is possible that the message got lost in cyberspace.
You really don’t know why she didn’t answer. Don’t assume that an unanswered message is your problem. You have to decide to take a risk or walk away without knowing why she did not respond to your email. If it is important to you and you feel that there may be more to the relationship, then send one more message. Send a brief, casual message like, “Are you lost in cyberspace?”
If she has a legitimate reason for not responding, she’ll let you know and you can decide at that time if you want to continue corresponding. If she wants to end the relationship, for whatever reason, she will probably not respond to your follow-up e-mail. If she does not respond, choose to walk away. Do not initiate any more contact.
See the relationship as a wonderful learning experience. Take time to learn about yourself and what you might want to do differently next time. Plan on a next time. Date again and again. Learn and grow as a cyber-dater, as a person, and as a man.
Create the dating experience you desire.
Thomas
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
May 15 9:45 am-11:30 am - Thomas presents "Transforming
Aggression in Children," Michigan Provider Alliance, Valley Plaza Resort, Midland, Michigan.
May 15 11:45am-1:30pm – Chick presents “Good Praise, Bad Praise”, Michigan Provider Alliance, Valley Plaza Resort, Midland, Michigan.
11. Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!
Copyright 2004 Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.
|
|
 |
|
