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The CoupleTalk Newsletter #6
Welcome! This is a free newsletter about creating a communication style that honors both you and your partner.
MISSION STATEMENT
Our mission is to strengthen couples and improve their communication by providing them with essential tools for creating a loving, respectful relationship, one that is firmly held together with trust, caring, and compassion.
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Couple Talk Tip
2. Coupling Contemplation
3. Quote
4. Bumper Sticker
5. Couple Talk Archives
6. Myth
7. Sexual Health
8. Article: Five Ingredients for Developing Trust in a Relationship
9. Questions and Responses
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
11. Privacy Statement
1. Couple Talk Tip
Sometimes it is not what is said that people react negatively to, but rather how it is said. The tone of voice you use to communicate to your partner becomes crucial. Your partner may be missing the message you are attempting to communicate because he or she gets caught up in the attitude or tone with which your message is delivered. Your partner responds not to the message, but from his or her feelings about the way the message was delivered.
To increase the chances of your partner hearing you and responding to your actual words, speak with a gentle tone, maintain a respectful attitude, and come from an open heart.
2. Coupling Contemplation
What if arguing with your partner was not about fixing blame, but about fixing the problem? If your argument were a process of seeking solutions, how would your words sound? Keeping this in mind, what could you be saying differently to your partner in your next "argument"?
3. Quote
"True partnership is achieved only by separate and whole beings who retain their separateness even as they unite."
---- Ralph H. Blum
4. Bumper Sticker
Spotted on a silver Jeep in Milwaukee, Wisconsin:
"Love the One You're With"
5. COUPLE TALK Archives
Did you miss a past issue of our Couple Talk Newsletter?
Not to worry, you can now find the Couple Talk Newsletters in the Archives
section on Thomas' Web site at www.thomashaller.com.
Here are some meaningful topics you will find in previous issues:
"Listening and Hearing"
Genital pain during intercourse
Boundary violations
Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis
"Five Conversations to Have with Your Partner Before the Holidays"
Quick answers (such as "I'm okay," "Everything's alright," or "I'm fine")
"The 10 Best Things to Say to Your Partner in 2004"
Chronic pain and sex
Talking to children about sex
Antidepressants can reduce sexual responsiveness
"It's Okay to Take It Back"
The Prescription Medication Diovan for Hypertension
"If I were you . . ."/"You should . . ."
Tantric Sex
6. Myth
Myth: The birth control pill is 99 percent effective.
Fact: If taken correctly, the pill is 99.7 percent effective, but forgetfulness pushes the actual failure rate to 8 percent. Statistically, the birth control pill is actually 91.7 percent effective -- lower than condoms. The key is: "IF TAKEN CORRECTLY."
Be mindful of how often you take your birth control pills.
7. Sexual Health: New Product for Enhancing Female Orgasm
By Thomas Haller
On August 26, 1999, the World Association of Sexology approved a
Declaration of Sexual Rights during the 14th World Congress of Sexology in
Hong Kong and People's Republic of China. The declaration includes eleven
sexual rights. This section of our newsletter is dedicated to the tenth
declaration, "The right to comprehensive sexuality education." To exercise
that right, we here provide a brief educational discussion of a sexual
issue.
New Product for Enhancing Female Orgasm
Several studies conducted over the past ten years indicate that
approximately 48 percent of women between the ages of 18 and 59 report having had a sexual problem in the past year. The most common sexual complaint by women is low
sexual desire (hypoactive sexual desire). The second most common complaint
is difficulty experiencing orgasm. Orgasmic dysfunction (climax never or rarely
experienced) was reported by 27 percent of the female study subjects in a
study conducted in England by Dunn, Croft, and Hackett in 1998. Comparably, the
inability to achieve orgasm was reported by 24.1 percent of women in a study
by Laumann, Paik, and Rosen in 1999.
The mainstay of management of female sexual dysfunction continues to be sex
therapy. Directed masturbation is a component of most sex therapy programs for women.
Sex therapy has been shown to be effective in overcoming anorgasmia (Lobitz
& LoPiccolo, 1972; LoPiccollo & Lobitz, 1972; Riley & Riley 1978) and is also
found to be useful in the management of hypoactive sexual desire (Hurlbert,
1993; Hurlbert, White & Powell, 1993).
In addition to sex therapy, a new product for the treatment of female
orgasmic dysfunction has recently been released. It is called Vielle. Vielle
is a finger cot-shaped device designed to increase digital clitoral stimulation
when worn on a finger. It is a discreet clitoral stimulator designed to make
orgasms easier to attain and more pleasurable.
Research was conducted by Alan Riley, M.Sc, MB, BS, MRCS, FFPM Professor of
Sexual Medicine, Lancashire Postgraduate School of Medicine and Health,
University of Central Lancashire, Preston PR1 2HE, and Elizabeth Riley, B.Sc
(Hons), Research Sex Therapist & Director, Sagacity Associates Ltd., Kings Park,
Cwmann, Carmarthenshire, SA48 8HQ. In their research, the effects on the
sexual responses of 16 female volunteers of Vielle-use and non-use (control) were
compared in a randomized within subject study in which each subject reported
on four episodes of Vielle-use and four control episodes of masturbation. Among all
subjects, the orgasm attainment rate when Vielle was used was 61/64 (95.3
percent) compared to 53/64 (82.8 percent) attained orgasm during the 64
sessions when Vielle was not used. The difference in orgasm attainment between
Vielle-use and non-use reached statistical significance (p = 0.044).
On the basis of the study's results, Vielle may be helpful in the
treatment of women who experience difficulty or delay in attaining orgasm. The
improvement in orgasm consistency with Vielle-use may also be useful in the management of other forms of female sexual dysfunction.
For more information on this new product for the treatment of female
orgasmic dysfunction, visit the Vielle Web site at www.vielleusa.com.
Thomas Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T., is an AASECT Certified
Diplomate Sex Therapist who has worked in private practice for over 12
years in Bay City, Michigan. Therapy appointments with Thomas can be made
by contacting Shinedling, Shinedling, and Haller, P.C., at (989) 667-5654.
8. Article: Five Ingredients for Developing Trust in a Relationship
By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman, authors of "Couple Talk: How to Talk
Your Way to a Great Relationship"
Is trust, or the lack of it, affecting your relationship? Because your
partner has been "burned" in a previous relationship, is he or she now finding it difficult
to trust you? Has infidelity in your relationship made it hard for you and your
partner to trust each other? If so, you are not alone.
When couples are asked to describe a situation that causes distress in their
relationship, the topic of trust frequently arises. They lament, "I can't
trust him with the checkbook," "She never gets home when she says she
will," or "He's always saying, 'ËœTrust me, I'll get it done,' but he never
does." Another typical comment is, "I don't trust her around other men. She's
always flirting." These comments indicate the presence of a low level of trust
within the relationship.
.
Although trust between partners clearly leads to feelings of safety and
connectedness, many couples don't know how to develop or maintain a
trusting relationship. They expect trust to be automatically granted as a part of the
commitment. They feel they deserve to be trusted without putting forth
effort to foster that trust. They have come to believe that once trust is lost, it can
never be regained.
What these couples don't realize is that with the right ingredients, trust
can be built, strengthened, and maintained regardless of the past. Mutual love and respect
can be intentionally and purposefully increased.
Consider the following five ingredients as you look to develop or rebuild
trust in your relationship:
Ingredient #1 -- Say what you are going to do. Communicating your
intentions to your partner eliminates the guesswork that often leads to false
assumptions and misunderstandings. Tell your partner what you are planning to accomplish
and how you would like to include him or her in your plan.
Ingredient #2 -- Do what you say. The more your actions match your words,
the more trust others have in you. Trust develops when a person's words are
congruent with his or her actions. When you say clearly what you are going
to do and then do it, trust grows and strengthens.
Ingredient #3 -- Live in the present. When you keep track of how often a
behavior has occurred and make a point of reminding your partner of it, you
drag the past into the present. This is called mental scorekeeping. The weight of
numerous incidents creates strain that prevents you from addressing the
current situation effectively. Scorekeeping builds stress, magnifies the situation,
and interferes with the process of communicating clearly and directly about the
present incident.
Ingredient #4 -- Look at yourself first. Before pointing a finger at your
partner, consider your own behavior. Is there something you might be doing
that demonstrates you are not trustworthy? Explore the possibility that you are
choosing a behavior that gives your partner the impression that you cannot
be fully trusted. Bring that behavior into the open, and talk about it with
your partner.
Ingredient #5 -- Time, time, and more time. Time plays a major role in the
development and strengthening of trust. Don't expect an overnight change
of attitude from either yourself or your partner. The more opportunities you
have to demonstrate how your words and actions flow together, the stronger trust
will become. That takes time. Look for as many opportunities as possible to match
your words with your behavior, and be mindful of your partner's attempts to
do the same.
If you feel your relationship is lacking trust, make an investment. Invest
in building, strengthening, and maintaining your relationship by mixing the five
ingredients together, putting them into practice, and supporting each other in your
efforts. The result will be a relationship of mutual respect and connectedness built on a
foundation of trust
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of "Couple Talk: How to
Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship" (available from Personal Power Press
at (toll-free) 877-360-1477).
9. Questions and Responses
Dear Thomas,
My husband and I are in an argument about what is the right behavior for our
relationship. He feels that it is perfectly fine for him to go to group
gatherings or parties without me. Sometimes I'm not feeling well, have to
work late, or just don't feel like going to an event. I feel that for him to go sends
a wrong message and is not the "right thing" to do, but I cannot make him
understand.
Arguing in Connecticut
Dear Arguing,
Are you insecure about your relationship with your husband? Has he told you
that he was going someplace, and you later found out that he went somewhere
else and did something he never told you about? Has he gone to events
without you in the past and picked up other women? If you answered yes to any of these
questions, then the two of you may need to work on developing trust in your
relationship, as discussed in the article above.
If this is not an issue of trust, however, it could be an issue of control.
If because you are working or don't feel like going to a party, you feel
that your husband should also not attend, it sounds like you might be attempting
to be sure he doesn't have a good time when you are not around. If your husband is gone a lot and you would like him to choose to be with you instead of his friends, it's okay to ask for what you want. You can say, "I want some time with you." Make sure that you
are asking for his presence because you want to spend time with him and not
because you want to prevent him from having a good time without you.
If you were ill and needed his care, it would be callous of him to desert
you to go to a party. That would be a time for him to give up a little fun as a
gesture of love and do what he could to take care of you.
What is the "wrong message" you are worried about sending? You have an
opportunity to let others see that you and your husband can enjoy being with
each other and can also enjoy yourselves when you are not together. You can
retain your separateness, celebrate your differences, and be confident that your
relationship is strong when you are together or apart. What a wonderful
message to send!
Thomas
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
April 20 7:00 pm-9:00 pm - Thomas presents "The 10 Commitments -
Parenting with Purpose," Huron Valley Cooperative Nurseries, Ann Arbor,
Michigan. For more information, contact Marlene McGrath at marlenemamayoga@yahoo.com.
May 1 9:00 am-10:15 am - Chick and Thomas present "The 10
Commitments - Parenting with Purpose," Michigan PTA Conference, Grand
Traverse Resort.
May 15 9:45 am-11:30 am - Thomas presents "Transforming
Aggression in Children," Michigan Provider Alliance, Valley Plaza Resort, Midland
Michigan.
11. Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!
Copyright 2004 Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.
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