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The CoupleTalk Newsletter #5
Welcome! This is a free newsletter about creating a communication style that honors both you and your partner.
MISSION STATEMENT
Our mission is to strengthen couples and improve their communication by providing them with essential tools for creating a loving, respectful relationship, one that is firmly held together with trust, caring, and compassion.
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Couple Talk Tip
2. Coupling Contemplation
3. Quote
4. Bumper Sticker
5. Couple Talk Archives
6. Myth
7. Sexual Health
8. Article: "If I were you . . ."/"You should . . ."
9. Questions and Responses
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
11. Privacy Statement
1. Couple Talk Tip
When you notice that your partner is "having a bad day," struggling with
something, or being pulled in several directions, be mindful of how you
offer assistance. If you step in by barking orders, telling other family
members what to do to help, or offering well-intentioned solutions, you
could be robbing your partner of an opportunity to solve his or her own
problem.
"Here is what you need" is language that creates divisiveness in
relationships. "What are your needs?" is language that creates
connectedness. Refrain from rushing in with solutions. Consider
listening. Consider suspending your own agenda. Consider saying, "How can
I be most helpful right now?" Uttering those words might just be the best
thing you can do at that moment.
2. Coupling Contemplation
If you could change one thing about yourself to help your partner feel more
appreciated, what would that be?
Go ahead, make the change and watch how your partner responds.
3. Quote
"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give."
----Winston Churchill
4. Bumper Sticker
Spotted on a Honda minivan in Grand Rapids, Michigan:
Get married, it's a great way to fall in love.
5. COUPLE TALK Archives
Did you miss a past issue of our Couple Talk Newsletter?
Not to worry, you can now find the Couple Talk Newsletters in the Archives
section on Thomas' Web site at www.thomashaller.com.
Here are some meaningful topics you will find in previous issues:
"Listening and Hearing"
Genital pain during intercourse
Boundary violations
Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis
"Five Conversations to Have with Your Partner Before the Holidays"
Quick answers (such as "I'm okay," "Everything's alright," or "I'm fine")
"The 10 Best Things to Say to Your Partner in 2004"
Chronic pain and sex
Talking to children about sex
Antidepressants can reduce sexual responsiveness
"It's Okay to Take It Back"
6. Myth
Myth: Alcohol lowers people's inhibitions and enhances their sex drive.
Fact: Alcohol abuse causes testosterone levels to drop and interferes with
the nerve impulses to the genitals, resulting in a lowered sex drive.
Alcohol also makes sperm abnormalities more likely.
7. Sexual Health
By Thomas Haller
On August 26, 1999, the World Association of Sexology approved a
Declaration of Sexual Rights during the 14th World Congress of Sexology in
Hong Kong and People's Republic of China. The declaration includes eleven
sexual rights. This section of our newsletter is dedicated to the tenth
declaration, "The right to comprehensive sexuality education." To exercise
that right, we here provide a brief educational discussion of a sexual
issue.
Antihypertensive medication is prescribed by doctors to more than 40
million people in the United States alone. When prescribing these
medications, many doctors fail to tell their patients that nearly all
antihypertensive drugs, especially early versions, can reduce sexual
responsiveness by producing erection and lubrication difficulties and by
diminishing desire.
There is good news, though. Research has found one medication for the
treatment of hypertension that actually enhances sexual responsiveness.
The prescription medication Diovan (an ARB-Angiotinsin II receptor blocker)
increases testosterone levels in both men and women and increases arousal,
enhancing lubrication in women and strengthening erections in men.
If you're on a medication for high blood pressure and experiencing sexual
difficulties, discuss with your doctor the possibility of changing your
medication to Diovan. Remember that other disease-related problems, such
as arterial narrowing (which also occurs in many people with hypertension),
can cause sexual difficulties as well. You just might be able to
effectively control your hypertension with medication and enhance your
sexual responsiveness at the same time.
Thomas Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T., is an AASECT Certified
Diplomate Sex Therapist who has worked in private practice for over 12
years in Bay City, Michigan. Therapy appointments with Thomas can be made
by contacting Shinedling, Shinedling, and Haller, P.C., at (989) 667-5654.
8. Article: "If I were you . . . " / "You should . . ."
By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
** "If I were you, I'd call your sister and apologize." ("You should call
your sister and apologize.")
** "If I were you, I'd tell your boss." ("You should tell your boss.")
** "If I were you, I'd be more consistent with her." ("You should be more
consistent with her.")
** "If I were you, I'd get a new job." ("You should get a new job.")
"If I were you" and "You should" are sentence starters that attempt to
dictate and control behavior. Notice that advice follows statements that
begin with either opening.
When you give advice, only two things can happen. Your partner can take
the advice or reject it. Either way, the result is resentment on the part
of one partner. If your partner ignores, rejects, or passes over your
advice, you grow resentful ("I gave her a great idea and she ignored it.
I'll be darned if I'll give her any more ideas."). If your partner takes
your advice, puts it to use, and dislikes the results, he or she grows
resentful ("That's the last time I'll implement any of his harebrained
ideas.").
If your advice proves to be helpful, you encourage your partner to return
to you for more great advice in the future. As your partner's faith in
your advice increases, his or her self-confidence decreases. Your partner
learns to turn away from his or her own judgment and to seek solutions from
others. This builds dependency and diminishes his or her sense of personal
power.
Instead of seeing your role as that of advice dispenser, consider a
different view. See your job as one of helping your partner sort through
thoughts and feelings, generate potential solutions, and gain
self-confidence through decision making and problem solving.
Replace instant advice with listening. Encourage your partner to keep
talking. Say things like, "Say some more," or "Keep talking." Rephrase
your partner's feelings and thoughts so he or she can view them more
objectively: "Sounds like you're really mad at him," "So you're thinking
about telling him how you reacted to his comments."
If your partner asks directly for advice, avoid a "You should" or "If I
were you" response. Instead, use Couple Talk that communicates that your
idea has worked well for you, but that it may not necessarily be the best
answer for your partner.
* "How would you feel about . . .?"
* "Would you consider . . .?"
* "Do you think ________ might be an option?"
* "Could you hear yourself saying . . .?"
These sentence starters make it clear that your partner is responsible for
choosing and implementing a solution. Using this approach leaves the
decision-making process where it belongs, in the heart and mind of your
partner.
Don't think of this strategy as something you should do, but as something
you could do to improve the quality of your relationship.
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of "Couple Talk: How to
Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship" (available from Personal Power Press
at (toll-free) 877-360-1477).
9. Questions and Responses
Dear Thomas,
I have heard a lot lately about tantric sex. Could you explain it briefly
and possibly recommend a book for my partner and me?
Ann in Toledo
Dear Ann in Toledo,
To attempt to fully address tantric sex within the confines of this
newsletter would not do it justice. So I will only provide you with a
brief definition based on my training as a sexologist and on my personal
experience.
Tantra is not just about sex. Briefly defined, it is a system of spiritual
beliefs and meditation practices that have physical, emotional, relational,
and, if so desired, sexual benefits. It is about deepening the experience
of sexuality and dancing with the subtle energies of the body. The aim of
tantric sex is to enrich the mind and the soul as well as to provide
extreme sensual pleasure. The emphasis is on how pleasure is given and
received. A priority is to prolong sexual arousal with extensive stroking
sessions followed by very slow intercourse.
If you are interested, I suggest that you begin by reading one of the books
recommended below. If you find yourself still interested, consult a
trained sex therapist who can guide you in developing tantra as a way of
life that cultivates a sexual/spiritual practice.
Recommended Readings:
"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tantric Sex," by Dr. Judy Kuriansky (Alpha,
2002).
"The Essential Tantra," by Kenneth Ray Stubbs (Penguin Putnam, 1999).
Thomas
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
March 8 6:30 pm-8:30 pm - Thomas presents "Transforming Aggression in
Children," CA Frost Elementary PTSA, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
March 10 12:00 noon-3:00 pm - Thomas presents "Creating a Caring
Environment in the Classroom and Managing Children's Anger," Bay Arenac
Intermediate School District Special Education, Bay City, Michigan.
April 20 7:00 pm-9:00 pm - Thomas presents "Transforming Aggression in
Children," Huron Valley Cooperative Nurseries, Ann Arbor, Michigan.
11. Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!
Copyright 2004 Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.
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