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The CoupleTalk Newsletter #4
Welcome! This is a free newsletter about creating a communication style that honors both you and your partner.
MISSION STATEMENT
Our mission is to strengthen couples and improve their communication by providing them with essential tools for creating a loving, respectful relationship, one that is firmly held together with trust, caring, and compassion.
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Couple Talk Tip
2. Coupling Contemplation
3. Quote
4. Bumper Sticker
5. Couple Talk Special Offer
6. Myth
7. Sexual Health
8. Article: “It’s Okay to take it back.”
9. Questions and Responses
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
11. Privacy Statement
1. Couple Talk Tip
Do you and your partner keep track of the number of times a negative behavior has occurred? “I’ve had to tell you this three different times.” “That’s two years in a row you forgot my birthday.” If you do, then you are involved in the game of mental score keeping? Keeping score mentally and announcing it verbally builds stress, magnifies the situation, and interferes with the process of communicating clearly and directly. You are taking garbage from the past and using it as a weapon. This drags the past into the present, which can them easily be projected into the future, setting up a fulfilling prophecy.
Monitor your Couple Talk. Listen for examples of mental scorekeeping. When you hear yourself verbalize a number, STOP! Dump the historical burden and deliver an honest and clear Couple Talk interaction that concentrates on the present.
2. Coupling Contemplation
What would your relationship with your partner be like if you saw opportunity in every difficulty the two of you face?
Let go of seeing difficulty in every opportunity and find opportunity in every difficulty.
3. Quote
"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”
----Dorothy Nevill
4. Bumper Sticker
Spotted on a red sports car in Florida:
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
5. COUPLE TALK Special Offer
The perfect Valentines Day Gift for any couple!
Place an order for Couple Talk between now and February 14th and pay only $20.00 per copy. We will even pay your shipping and handling.
(Regularly $24.95 plus $3.75 shipping and handling)
That’s an $8.70 discount.
"Couple Talk" helps readers to become response-able communicators who are
able to respond appropriately and effectively to the everyday situations
that all couples encounter. "Couple Talk: How to Talk Your Way to a Great
Relationship"
CALL TODAY (toll-free) 877-360-1477. Orders go out the same day they are received.
6. Myth
Myth: Both men and women are equally at risk of contracting a Sexually Transmitted Disease.
Fact: A large California study found that women are up to nine times more likely than men to contract HIV, the AIDS virus, after unprotected heterosexual sex with an infected partner.
The explanation given for this much greater risk for women was that vaginal tissue provides a hospitable entry point for viruses, much more so than the penis.
7. Sexual Health
By Thomas Haller
On August 26, 1999, the World Association of Sexology approved a
Declaration of Sexual Rights during the 14th World Congress of Sexology in
Hong Kong and People's Republic of China. The declaration includes eleven
sexual rights. This section of our newsletter is dedicated to the tenth
declaration, "The right to comprehensive sexuality education." To exercise
that right, we here provide a brief educational discussion of a sexual
issue.
Antidepressants can reduce your sexual responsiveness, lower your sexual desire, and diminish your perception of your own arousal. Research indicates that almost all antidepressants interfere with sexual functioning in 40 to 75 percent of people who take them. Listed below is a brief description of the most commonly used antidepressants and the possible sexual side effects.
Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors-SSRI’s) are the mainstay drugs for the treatment of depression. These are also the most sexually problematic. They all can result in erectile and orgasmic problems, as well as reduce desire and arousal. Paxil is often prescribed for rapid (premature) ejaculators to slow their ejaculatory emissions. In some men without rapid ejaculation it has been found to eliminate ejaculatory emissions altogether.
Many of these side effects are dosage-dependent and may be an indication that your dosage is too high. Often times the dosage can be reduced while maintaining a therapeutic dose. Brief “medication holidays” of one (or two days at most) can also improve SSRI sexual side effects. Some people also report that taking Periactin or Cimetidine before sex has reduced the sexual side effects of their antidepressant medication.
Elavil, Pamelor, Norpramin, Tofranil (Tricyclic Antidepressants) and Nardil, Parnate (MAO inhibitors) have been found to create problems with arousal, erection and lubrication, and orgasm.
Wellbutrin, Serzone, Remeron, Zyban, Desyrel (non-SSRI antidepressants) have far fewer reports of sexual side effects. In a study where Wellbutrin was used to treat low sexual desire and sexual dysfunctions in non-depressed men and women, 60% of the people reported a benefit (compared to 10% of those who took a placebo). Wouldn’t you rather take an antidepressant that doesn’t create many sexual problems, and helps sexual problems in people who aren’t depressed?
If you are currently taking an antidepressant and feel that you are experiencing sexual side effects, consult your physician before making any changes. Discuss the possibility of reducing medication while maintaining a therapeutic dose, taking a “medication holiday”, or even changing to a different medication.
Thomas Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T. is an AASECT Certified
Diplomate Sex Therapist who has worked in private practice for over 12
years in Bay City, Michigan. Therapy appointments with Thomas can be made
by contacting Shinedling, Shinedling, and Haller, P.C. at (989) 667-5654.
8. Article: “It’s okay to take it back.”
By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
Carl spent hours searching for a Valentines Day gift for his wife, Wanita. He wanted to give her something special that would say, “I love you!” He found what he thought would be the perfect gift. Later that night when Carl gave Wanita the gift he was surprised by her response. Instead of excitement Carl was confronted with an unexpected question. Wanita asked if she could take the gift back and exchange it for something else.
Caught off guard Carl answered, “Yeah, sure.” But the more he thought about it the more he felt that it wasn’t okay with him. He began to interpret Wanita’s request as a slap in the face, as not accepting his love. He could feel angry and resentment building up inside. He wished he never gave her the gift.
What started out as a gesture of love for Carl, turned into feelings of anger and resentment. He could have avoided these feelings by beginning his search with an internal inventory. Carl could have looked inside himself and determined what attitude he wanted to have with whatever gift he gave. By understanding within that the real gift is not in the item itself, but in the attitude behind the giving, Carl would have been free to accept any response from Wanita. He could have then given her the gift he thought was “just right” and said, “It’s okay to take it back.”
The Couple Talk phrase, “It’s okay to take it back,” sends a message of unconditional love. The gift is a way to say, “I love you.” The attitude one has when giving the gift is what holds up and supports the message of love for your partner to cherish. A true “I love you” gift is one that is given unconditionally. A true “I love you” message says, “I love you even when you don’t like the same things I like.” “I love you even when you don’t agree with me.” “I love you even when you don’t want what I want.” “I love you even when you want to take a gift back and exchange it for something else.”
If for some reason you don’t feel you can say, “It’s okay to take it back,” about a gift you are about to purchase for your partner, then give a different gift. Give a gift that will enable you to still say, “I love you” no matter how your partner feels about the item.
When you have purchased the gift that is truly okay for your partner to take back, then you can look him or her in the eyes and say, “Its okay to take it back”. They will recognize the attitude and feel the message of love that is behind the gift.
HEARING:
If your partner gives you something that you want to exchange. Remember his effort in the search for the perfect gift. Think about what he is trying to say in the giving. Most importantly, be mindful of the words you use to communicate your desire to take it back. Say something like this: “I love all the effort and thought you put into getting this for me. I appreciate your kindness and the love that you have for me. AND I would like to exchange the gift for something that is more to my liking, so I can be comfortable in wearing it often and thinking of you.”
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of "Couple Talk: How to
Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship" (available from Personal Power Press
at (toll-free) 877-360-1477).
9. Questions and Responses
Dear Thomas,
My wife still spends a lot of time with her ex-husband. They have been divorced for several years and have no children together. She meets him a couple times a month for lunch or goes over to his house to help him with his budget, or paint a room. They seem to always have something planned to do together. I told my wife that I’m uncomfortable with the frequent contact but she told me I being “too controlling”, and that I have “nothing to worry about”.
Am I being too controlling and worrying too much about nothing?
Tim in Seattle, WA.
Dear Tim
If you are continually confronting your wife about where she is and what she is doing and expecting her to report to you her daily schedule accounting for every minute, then you might be too controlling. However, if her “too controlling” comment is solely in regards to your feelings about her relationship with her ex-husband, then this is probably not an issue of you being too controlling.
When your wife says that you have “nothing to worry about” she is probably talking about sex. There is probably no sex going on but it does sound as if someone is having an issue with letting go. Divorced people can and often times do have supportive relationships (a supportive relationship is best when children are involved). But with children between them or not, divorced people need to resolve any attachment issues they have with each other.
Given that your wife and her ex-husband have no children together it sounds as if their relationship is too close. You and your wife are in need of marriage therapy. Tell your wife again that you are uncomfortable with the attention that she is giving her ex-husband and that you are hurt and sad with her choice to see him so frequently. If she refuses to discuss the issue or attempts to make it sound like you’re being unreasonable, ask her to join you in counseling. Let her know that your desire is to clear up the issue and make your relationship stronger. The problem could about you being unreasonable and too controlling or it could be about her being too attached, or it could be a little of both. A marriage therapist can help you and your wife through this issue together.
If you find yourself in need of marriage therapy begin by consulting the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) on line at AAMFT.org for information regarding a licensed therapist in your area.
Thomas
10. Schedule of Upcoming Events
February 19th 8:30am-11:30am – Thomas presents The Ten Commitments for Fathers, Child Protection Council, Midland Michigan.
March 8th 6:30pm-8:30pm – Thomas presents Transforming Aggression in Children, CA Frost Elementary PTSA, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
March 10th 12:00pm-3:00pm – Thomas Presents Creating a Caring Environment in the Classroom and Managing Children’s Anger, Bay Arenac Intermediate School District Special Education, Bay City, Michigan.
11. Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!
Copyright 2004 Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.
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