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The CoupleTalk Newsletter #3
Welcome! This is a free newsletter about creating a communication style that honors both you and your partner.
MISSION STATEMENT
Our mission is to strengthen couples and improve their communication by providing them with essential tools for creating a loving, respectful relationship, one that is firmly held together with trust, caring, and compassion.
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Couple Talk Tip
2. Coupling Contemplation
3. Quote
4. Bumper Sticker
5. Holiday Special – dual pack book sale
6. Myth
7. Sexual Health
8. Article: "The 10 Best Things to Say to Your Partner in 2004”
9. Questions and Responses
10. Privacy Statement
1. Couple Talk Tip
People express love in a variety of ways. Some find it easiest to demonstrate love materially. They enjoy giving their partner presents such as flowers, card, candy, jewelry, and clothing. Others show their love by working hard to provide for their loved ones. They spend hours preparing a meal, keeping the house clean, or working overtime to pay the bills. Some people are drawn to physical expression showing love in a tactile mode through touch. They communicate love with an embrace, a hug, handholding, or a snuggle. And for some verbal expression is their way of letting their partner know that they love them. They use their words to express love sometimes whispering, “I love you”.
Your partner may have a preferred way of receiving an “I love you” message. Use the method he or she most easily recognizes and responds to. She may like the demonstration of love materially. He may prefer the tactile approach. Or perhaps the verbal will be his favorite. Whatever form you choose, say, “I love you” often. Say “I love you” in the way your partner likes to hear it.
2. Coupling Contemplation
What would happen in your relationship if today you decided to stop playing the blame game and recognize that it is a new day?
3. Quote
"Love your partner for who they are, not for what you want them to be.”
----Author unknown
4. Bumper Sticker
Spotted on a white Chevy van in Dallas, Texas:
MY WIFE KEEPS SAYING I NEVER LISTEN TO HER
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
5. Holiday Special
Take advantage of our HOLIDAY SPECIAL! Order TODAY!
Two Books for only $30.00 ($38.00 if purchased separately).
Couple Talk (hardback) and Parent Talk (paperback) dual pack $30.00.
Or
Couple Talk (hardback) and Talk Sense to Yourself (paperback) dual pack $30.00
To order call (toll-free) 877-360-1477. Orders go out the same day they are
received.
About the books you order:
COUPLE TALK: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller ($25.00)
In this book, you will gain Couple Talk strategies to help you create a loving, respectful relationship with your partner, one that is held firmly together with trust, caring, and compassion. This book teaches a style of language and a system of communication that will produce a more open and honest pattern of communication between you and your partner.
PARENT TALK: How to Talk to Your Child in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility.
Paperback Edition ($13.00)
This book is about how parents talk to their children. It reveals verbal communication that scolds, shames, and criticizes as well as words which praise, nurture, and empower children. It includes the typical comments, suggestions, questions, and commands that parents direct at their children every day. By altering your present language and by adding or taking away from your common utterances you can empower your children and enhance their effectiveness as capable, responsible, and caring human beings.
TALK SENSE TO YOURSELF: The Language of Personal Power by Chick Moorman ($13.00)
Contained within the book is a series of words, phrases and ways of speaking that will increase your sense of personal power. Talk Sense will help you structure your language patterns to put more choice and possibility in your life. You will become more self-confident, improve your self-esteem, and learn how to talk sense to yourself.
6. Myth
Myth: Two-career couples are too tired for sex. The increase in work hours for men and women in a relationship has resulted in decreased sexual contact in married couples.
Fact: Janet Hyde, a University of Wisconsin psychologist, has refuted this assumption in her study of women in the work force. Hyde found that professional women report having more frequent sex than their homemaking counterparts, and both report being tired and fatigued at the end of the day.
7. Sexual Health
By Thomas Haller
On August 26, 1999, the World Association of Sexology approved a
Declaration of Sexual Rights during the 14th World Congress of Sexology in
Hong Kong and People's Republic of China. The declaration includes eleven
sexual rights. This section of our newsletter is dedicated to the tenth
declaration, "The right to comprehensive sexuality education." To exercise
that right, we here provide a brief educational discussion of a sexual
issue.
Back pain, headaches, fibromyalgia, arthritis, regional pain syndrome and a variety of other chronic pain conditions effect the daily lives of millions of people. It is not surprising to note that approximately one-half to two-thirds of patients in chronic pain treatment programs report reduced frequency in their sexual relationships as a result of chronic pain.
Chronic pain and the changes that may occur in one’s lifestyle effect the way we see ourselves and our interaction in the world around us. As the pain continues, self-esteem decreases and along with it sexual desires and feelings of desirability also decrease.
Perhaps one of the biggest deterrents to sexual relations for the person with chronic pain is the fear that sex will cause the pain to worsen. The anticipation of increased pain can take on a life of its own. Many decide that having sex is not “worth the price” and become almost paralyzed by an ever greater fear of increased pain. Others decide that having sex is worth the price. They find that having sex can be pleasurable, so much so that it overcomes any increased pain. It helps to know your body and to know if the “payback” will be short-term or long-term.
The American Chronic Pain Association (ACPA) offers the following tips for putting sex back into your relationship:
- Try different positions during lovemaking. Different positions for intercourse can take the weight and pain off painful parts of the body. “Finding the right position made all the difference in lovemaking,” testified a woman with chronic back pain.
- Be creative in the scheduling of sexual encounters. If you know that you are going to have sex later that day schedule the day with lighter activities. Try taking your pain medication an hour before having sex. Schedule a sexual encounter for the time of day that is best for you and have your partner meet you at that time.
- Exercise regularly. Sex for an individual with chronic pain is often uncomfortable due to stiffness and poor range of motion. Stretching exercises and light movement exercises can help you have sex more comfortably.
- Communication. In an ACPA interview everyone cited good communication as vital to a satisfying sexual relationship. They commented that the greatest benefit came from talking openly about their pain and their sexual desire with their partner.
A chronic pain client summarized his feeling on the topic with this advice: “I strongly emphasize to keep trying to find out what works for you. Don’t shut your partner out or push them away. Seek professional help if necessary and find out what works for both of you to love and be loved. Physical touch is so VERY important in a relationship.”
Thomas Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T. is an AASECT Certified
Diplomate Sex Therapist who has worked in private practice for over 12
years in Bay City, Michigan. Therapy appointments with Thomas can be made
by contacting Shinedling, Shinedling, and Haller, P.C. at (989) 667-5654.
8. Article: "The Ten Best Things to Say to Your Partner in 2004”
By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller
Goal setting, reflection, and new beginnings are typical occurrences as one year ends and another begins. Resolutions, self- promises, and high resolve are the order of the day as people strive to improve important areas of their lives. .
A time associated with new beginnings, New Year’s 2004 might just be the perfect time for you and your partner to examine your communication style. Look over the following list of the 10 best things you can say to your partner in 2004. Decide which ones you will use and when. Add them to you list of resolutions and commit to making 2004 your best year ever as a couple.
1.) “If I were picking again today, I’d still choose you.”
Every spouse needs to hear these words on occasion. They are affirming, nurturing, and appreciative. They are an intimate expression of love and caring that can generate warm feelings in both hearts.
“If I were picking again today, I’d still choose you” meets the needs of both parties. It helps the receiver feel valued and cherished. Simultaneously, it reminds the sender that she is at choice, that indeed every day is a choice, and that this day she still chooses the partner she picked many days, many months, or many years ago.
Use this sentence only if you know it to be true. It is not to be used for manipulation, to get sex, to make up, or to make yourself look good. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.
If you can’t say this phrase and mean it, ask yourself these questions: Am I sure that I’m where I want to be? How come I’m still in this relationship? What do I have to do, what changes need to be made, what thoughts, attitudes, and feelings need to change in order for me to be able to use this sentence and mean it?
2.) “What’s your opinion?”
Asking “What’s your opinion?” communicates that you want to see the situation through your partner’s eyes. You’re delivering the message: I’m interested in you. I want to hear your ideas, thoughts, and opinions.
“What’s your opinion?” can serve two purposes. One is to elicit information from your partner that will help you arrive at a mutually agreeable decision about an area of concern to you both. The other is to open a dialogue that will help you think through the process of a personal decision and reach your own conclusion. Either way, “What’s your opinion?” helps your partner feel valued, loved, and appreciated.
3.) “I noticed . . .”
“I noticed” is a five-second shot of self-esteem. It says to your partner, I see you. You will not be invisible here.
Everyone likes to be noticed. You like to be noticed. Your partner likes to be noticed. I don’t need to be noticed, you may be thinking. If so, pay attention to your reaction the next time you enter the room and your partner continues to read the paper without even looking up at you. Think about how you feel when you suggest an idea at a committee meeting and no one responds to it. If you’re like most people, you begin to feel invisible, unimportant, undervalued.
To notice your partner is to affirm his or her existence and importance in your life. It acknowledges their presence and communicates that they are valued and appreciated.
4.) “Would you do me a favor?”
Many people want to be needed. They are willing to do for others. Yet they aren’t always sure exactly what to do or what is appropriate. That’s where “Will you do me a favor?” comes in. When you ask your partner, “Will you do me a favor?” you give direction to his or her desire to be of service, to demonstrate love, to help out.
You are not being an imposition when you ask for help. On the contrary, you are giving your partner a gift. You are gifting her with an opportunity to contribute, to feel valuable, to return the help that you have given in the past.
5.) “Would you like a back rub?”
“Would you like a back rub?” is an offer to give your partner pleasure. It flows from two important and related beliefs. One belief is that giving pleasure to another builds intimacy. Connectedness and feelings of closeness grow as one person provides pleasure to the other. The second belief is that giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin. As we give pleasure, we get pleasure in return—the pleasure of giving, the pleasure of pleasing, the pleasure of seeing the beloved enjoying the receiving.
This type of pleasuring carries no demands. An hour or two of massage and sensual touch is not intended to lead to sexual intercourse. It is important to have no hidden expectations or agenda. The motivation is simply to have your partner feel good.
6.) “Let’s do something weird.”
“Let’s do something weird” is a Couple Talk phrase that can add fun and adventure to your relationship—one that will remind you and your partner that a relationship can be more than problem-solving, conflict resolution, and struggle. It invites your partner to join you in discovering new and adventuresome ways to have fun together. It initiates grownup play.
“Let’s do something weird” is about giving yourself permission to do something unusual with your partner. It is a request to be the opposite of how we usually are: serious, thoughtful, guarded, mature. Brainstorming unusual, fun ideas together could lead to exploring change.
“Let’s do something weird” can be the beginning of an interesting dialogue. A playful discussion could challenge you to use the same Couple Talk communication skills you’d need if you were discussing a much more serious issue.
7.) “Let’s make a plan.”
- “Let’s create an adventurous vacation.”
- “How about if we design the way we would like the new room to look?”
- “Let’s develop a plan for dealing with this child.”
Planning is one activity in which healthy couples engage. They invest time in exploring each other’s desires, interests, and goals. They create a plan together and reach consensus. They make their plan concrete, verbalize it, and often put it in writing.
Sometimes the planning takes on the flavor of problem-solving: How can we arrange your mother’s visit to meet everyone’s needs? Other times it merely focuses on alternatives: What are some possibilities here? Let’s make a list. Goal-setting can be the focal point of productive planning: What goal shall we create for our use of this Couple Talk material? The planning conversation could concentrate on dreams or fantasies: What would our dream house look like? or Where do we want to be ten years from now?
8.) “Let’s check it out inside.”
“Let’s check it out inside” is a Couple Talk phrase that helps us remember to look within for answers. Each of us has a wise part within, an intuitive part that knows what is best for us. This inner knowing is invaluable when life presents us with problems whose answers aren’t in the back of the book.
This is not a request to spent time thinking or analyzing. This is an invitation to get out of your heads and into your hearts.
This inner knowing has been called by a variety of names. We’ve heard it referred to as “inner knowing,” “gut-level feeling,” “conscience,” “intuition,” “talking to God,” and “the wise part within.” What you choose to call it is not as important as learning how and when to use it.
“Let’s check it out inside” is a statement of self-trust. It’s an admission that there is much more to wisdom than merely logic. It’s a decision to consider all the data when making a decision—data that comes from the inside as well as the outside.
9.) “What can we learn from this?”
Mistakes and misunderstandings happen in every relationship. They are a fact of life. Sometimes the infractions are minor. Other times the mistakes are so big the results are tragic. Regardless of their intensity and impact, mistakes happen for a reason. They occur so we can learn lessons, so we can grow and move on with our lives, wiser and better able to handle what comes our way.
“What can we learn from this?” is pivotal Couple Talk in the wake of a mistake or misunderstanding. It prompts a pivot turn away from dwelling on the mistake and moves a couple in the direction of learning from it. Often a lesson comes disguised as a mistake or misunderstanding.
Asking “What can we learn from this?” puts an end to finding fault and judging one another. It puts you and your partner on the same side, facing the problem together, focusing your energy on moving forward. It helps you search for lessons rather than for someone to blame.
Use your mistakes to your own advantage. Be willing to learn and grow from them. Turn your mistakes and misunderstandings into learning opportunities by asking, “What can we learn from this?”
10.) “What would love do now?”
When making an important decision, couples consider a variety of criteria. Will we regret this later? How much money will it cost us? Will we get anything back? Will it be worth our time and effort? Will this commit us to anything else? Will it affect our lifestyle? Will we win or lose? Will we look good? What will we have to give up? What impact will this have on our time? How badly do we want to do this? Will this be something that will bring pleasure? Will we get any recognition?
Couples whose main purpose in being a couple is to help and support each other in growing spiritually often ask a different question than those posed above. When faced with a dilemma and unsure about what to do, they find it useful to ask, “What would love do now?”
There is no question more important to the spiritual development of you and your partner than “What would love do now?” If your reason for being together is to accumulate a healthy retirement portfolio, climb the corporate ladder, build fame and recognition, or hold on to what you have, then this question need not be part of your Couple Talk. If, on the other hand, Spirit is your goal, the most meaningful, relevant, helpful question you can ask in any situation is, “What would love do now?”
“What would love do now?” does not have to be used exclusively for heavy-duty issues like tough love and nursing home decisions. It can be used to determine how you and your partner budget your money, choose who to invite to a party, or decide whether or not your daughter goes to summer camp. You can use it to help decide if you should join a church committee, take dance lessons together, or give this article to a friend.
Conclusion
Your choice of words and style of communication are critical to the level of intimacy, connectedness, and trust you create with your partner. The way you talk to your partner, what you say, and how you say what you say—all impact the degree of respect and caring that is present. Why not resolve in 2004 to regularly examine the ways you talk to your partner?
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of "Couple Talk: How to
Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship" (available from Personal Power Press
at (toll-free) 877-360-1477).
9. Questions and Responses
Thomas,
My Husband and I have a question that is not really about our relationship but about how to address questions from our son that are of a sexual nature. We are concerned about our 8 year-old asking us a sexual question in front of our 4 year-old. We want to answer his questions but we worry about giving too much information even when our youngest in not around. As a sex therapist we thought you could give us some advice.
Tony and Jill
Dear Tony and Jill,
Many parents worry that giving their child too much detail about a sexual topic may somehow distort the child’s sexual development and can be harmful to the child, problematic, or down right dangerous. This is simply not true. Children cannot hold onto information that is too sophisticated for their brains. This is true about all topics not just about sex.
While you need to be concerned about how you present the material, keep this in mind, your younger child will not absorb any more than what he/she can developmentally handle. The information that is out of the range of understanding will essentially evaporate into thin air.
Go ahead and answer your 8 year-old son’s questions in front of your 4 year-old. Provide an answer that is developmentally appropriate for the one who asked the question. Be as accurate with the information as possible. Use correct names for body parts and functions. Talk about the difference between sexual opinions/morals and sexual facts. Make it clear to your child what information is an opinion, what is a belief that your family functions under, and what is a fact. Often times opinions, beliefs, and facts are the same, many times they differ.
A few books that might help you are Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parents Guide to Talking Sense about Sex by Deborah M. Roffman, and but how’d I get in there in the first place by Deborah M. Roffman. A book to read to your children is Mommy Laid An Egg or Where Do Babies Come from by Babette Cole.
I also have a workshop on How To Talk To Your Children About Sex in which I talk in much greater detail about children, sexuality and the role of the parents. This workshop is being offered in February of 2004 in the Bay City, Saginaw, Midland area. For more information contact my office at (989) 667-5654.
Your willingness to discuss this topic with your children is a sign of the strength of your relationship with one another.
Keep growing with your children.
Thomas
10. Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!
Copyright 2003 Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.
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