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The CoupleTalk Newsletter #2
Welcome! This is a free newsletter about creating a communication style that honors both you and your partner.
MISSION STATEMENT
Our mission is to strengthen couples and improve their communication by providing them with essential tools for creating a loving, respectful relationship, one that is firmly held together with trust, caring, and compassion.
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Couple Talk Tip
2. Coupling Contemplation
3. Quote
4. Bumper Sticker
5. Couple Talk
6. Myth
7. Sexual Health
8. Article: "Five Conversations to Have with Your Partner Before the Holidays"
9. Questions and Responses
10. About Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
11. Schedule of Upcoming Events
12. Privacy Statement
1. Couple Talk Tip
Sometimes we need to vent. Sometimes just getting our feelings out helps us
to refocus and move forward. If you wish to vent to your partner, we
recommend you ask permission first. Warn your partner. Let your partner
know that everything but the kitchen sink is on the way. "I'm having a
terrible, no-good day and I need to vent. Are you up to it?" is a good way
to warn your partner of the verbal storm about to be unleashed. Granting
you permission to vent will help your partner to listen and witness the
forthcoming deluge without taking it personally.
2. Coupling Contemplation
What would happen in your relationship if you and your partner turned off
the TV, put down the newspaper, stopped working on the computer, or set
aside the cleaning and sat across from each other for 30 minutes talking
about your day?
Find out. Start today.
3. Quote
"Women marry men hoping they will change. They don't. Men marry women
hoping they won't change. They do."
----Bettin Ardnt
4. Bumper Sticker
Spotted on a pickup truck in Milwaukee, WI:
I Love My Wife.
5. COUPLE TALK: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship
By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller
"Couple Talk" invites readers to examine their language patterns to see if their style of communication is creating what they want in their relationships. The book provides specific, accessible verbal skills that readers can use immediately to strengthen their partnerships. It suggests helpful words, phrases, and language strategies that aid couples to communicate a range of feelings while building a relationship based on honesty, mutual respect, caring, and intimacy.
"Couple Talk" helps readers to become response-able communicators - able to respond appropriately and effectively to the everyday situations that all couples encounter. "Couple Talk: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship," $24.95 plus $3.75 shipping and handling. Orders go out the same day they are received. Call (toll-free) 877-360-1477.
6. Myth
Myth: Single people have sex significantly more often than married people.
Fact: A University of Chicago study focused on 18- to 59-year-olds showed
that 86 percent of married men and women have sex as least once a week,
compared to 52 percent of single men and 44 percent of single women.
7. Sexual Health
By Thomas Haller
On August 26, 1999, the World Association of Sexology approved a
Declaration of Sexual Rights during the 14th World Congress of Sexology in
Hong Kong and People's Republic of China. The declaration includes eleven
sexual rights. This section of our newsletter is dedicated to the tenth
declaration, "The right to comprehensive sexuality education." To exercise
that right, we here provide a brief educational discussion of a sexual
issue.
Two new medications for the treatment of erectile dysfunction challenge the
current medication, Viagra. Levitra, co-developed by Bayer Pharmaceuticals
and GlaxoSmithKline, was approved in August and released for use in
September of this year. The second medication, Cialis, developed by Eli
Lilly, is expected to get FDA approval in December.
Like Viagra, Levitra and Cialis act by relaxing muscles and increasing
blood flow into the penis, which produces an erection. High-fat meals
decrease absorption of both Viagra and Levitra, making them less effective.
It is therefore recommended that they be taken either before or after a
low-fat meal. The absorption of Cialis is not affected by either high-fat
or low-fat meals.
Viagra starts acting 45 to 90 minutes after it is taken, and its effects
last for about 4 hours. Levitra starts acting after 30 to 60 minutes, and
its effects last for about 5 hours. Cilias starts acting in 16 to 30
minutes, and its effects last about 36 hours.
These medications are not advised for men taking nitrate drugs (such as
nitroglycerin tablets or patches) or alpha-blockers (drugs used to treat
benign prostate hyperplasia and/or high blood pressure).
In addition to taking medication to treat erectile dysfunction, it is
recommended that men with this condition seek the assistance of a certified
sex counselor or therapist. There are many techniques useful for increasing
the effectiveness of the medication or correcting the condition without the
use of medication.
Thomas Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T. is an AASECT Certified
Diplomate Sex Therapist who has worked in private practice for over 12
years in Bay City, Michigan. Therapy appointments with Thomas can be made
by contacting Shinedling, Shinedling, and Haller, P.C. at (989) 667-5654.
8. Article: "Five Conversations to Have with Your Partner Before the Holidays"
By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller
Many people experience stress during the holiday season. Some get the
blues, others find that the holidays don't turn out quite they way they had
hoped. To make sure your holiday season creates more joy and less stress,
have these five conversations with your spouse soon:
Conversation One: Share Expectations
Get clear about what you want from the holidays, and express your wishes to
your spouse. Do you know what you want? Are there parts of last year's
celebrations you want to change or eliminate? Are there pieces you want to
add or embellish?
It is difficult to express your holiday desires if you are unclear in your
own mind about what they are. Look within yourself. What does your gut
tell you about the upcoming holidays? What do you dread? What thoughts put
a smile on your face? Do some journaling to get clear about your holiday
expectations. Create your personal fantasy of the best holiday season ever.
When you know what you want, share that information with your partner.
Chances are, your partner is not a psychic and is not adept at reading your
mind. Open up and communicate your holiday desires.
Invest as much time in listening to your partner as you do in sharing your
own ideas. Your partner has equally valid desires that need to be addressed
if your family is going to experience a joyful holiday season. Arriving at
a set of mutual expectations for this special time of year takes a
willingness to alternately talk and listen until consensus is achieved.
Conversation Two: Money
Create a holiday financial plan. How much money do you want to budget for
gifts, entertainment, and food? Can you agree on how much money to spend on
each other? Where will the money come from? Who is going to supply the
money and when will that happen? Are you willing to go into debt and if so,
how much? Will you borrow or use a credit card?
There are no right or wrong answers to the money questions that arise
during this conversation. What is important is that you reach agreement.
Also discuss ways to help each other stick to the financial plan. If one
person holds the line and the other goes way over budget, resentment can
grow along with the size of the bills.
Conversation Three: In-Laws and Other Relatives
Sex, money, and in-laws are the three most often discussed topics during
marriage counseling. Best to anticipate the potential in-law problem and
head it off at the pass.
Come to an agreement on how you want to handle the in-laws before they call
you. Create your plan and propose it to the in-laws rather than being
forced to react to their proposal. By discussing plans for how to deal with
in-laws (both sets) prior to the holidays, you become proactive rather than
reactive.
Keep in mind that you will not be able to make everyone happy. If you
attempt to meet everyone's needs, you will overschedule and create stress
for yourself and your family. Focus on your family's needs, and celebrate
the holidays with your in-laws and other relatives in ways that work for
you.
Conversation Four: Exit Strategy
So you find yourself at a party. One person wants to leave, the other wants
to stay. What do you do? If you have engaged in Conversation Four prior to
the event, the answer is already in place.
Invest some time in creating an exit strategy for parties and visits to
relatives. Your strategy might include taking two cars; then if one person
wants to leave early, he or she can do so without compelling the other to
leave also.
Design and agree on an "I'm ready to go" signal. Create a hand signal or
verbal cue that informs your partner you have reached your limit. Agree
ahead of time how to respond to the signal. The signal might mean, "I'm
ready to go. Let's leave in about 15 minutes." This signal gives the other
person time to wrap up his or her conversation and say good-bye before you
head out the door.
Conversation Five: The Regular Schedule
Agree to stick to your regular schedule as much as possible. This is
especially important if you have children. Holiday bedtimes, wake up times,
and mealtimes need to conform to your regular schedule as much as possible
to prevent stress and fatigue. If you want to add disruptive behavior to
your holiday fun, disrupt your children's normal schedule.
Friends and relatives may pressure you to meet on their schedule rather
than on one that works best for your family. Decide with your spouse just
how far you will stray from the schedule that works for you.
Be careful not to overplan. Hectic does not make for happy times. Accept
that you cannot do it all. Talk about not doing it all. Keep the pace
comfortable, whether unwrapping gifts, visiting relatives, or scheduling
appearances at your place of worship.
Holding these five conversations before the holiday season begins will go a
long way toward making your November and December joyful and rewarding.
Give yourself and your partner the gift of conversation this year. You're
worth it.
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of "Couple Talk: How to
Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship" (available from Personal Power Press
at (toll-free) 877-360-1477).
9. Questions and Responses
I frequently notice that my partner is frustrated or upset about something.
When I ask her what's wrong, all she says is, "Nothing, everything is
alright." I know something's wrong, but the more I ask, the angrier she
gets at me.
How do I get her to talk about what's bothering her?
Frank
Dear Frank,
Quick answers like "I'm okay," "Everything's alright," or "I'm fine" serve
to keep the conversation at a surface level or, at worst, become an
avoidance tactic to employ when someone doesn't want to talk about
feelings.
When you hear your partner use this type of phrase, hear a request from her
for space. Consider that she may be struggling with the feelings she is
having and needs time to sort them out. Avoid becoming accusatory and
making comments such as "Well, you don't look okay to me." Instead ask,
"Is there something up for you?"
If your partner still seems hesitant, return to the issue later. Pressing
for more information when your partner doesn't want to talk about it can
result in resentment and can further damage the communication process.
Instead say, "Let me know when you're ready to talk about it." The
following day you can say, "Yesterday you seemed angry [or hurt, or sad]
about something. Would you like to talk about it?"
You honor her by giving her the space she needs. She will talk about her
feelings when she is ready.
Thomas
10. About Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
Thomas B. Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T.
Thomas is a widely known national and international presenter in the areas of parenting, interpersonal relationships, and chronic pain. He is the founder and director of the Healing Minds Institute.
He is an AASECT Certified Diplomate Sex Therapist, a Certified Biofeedback Technician, a Certified Sports Counselor, and an Ordained Lutheran Minster. Thomas provides child, adolescent, and couples therapy in private practice at Shinedling, Shinedling, and Haller, P.C. in Bay City, MI. For more information, visit www.thomashaller.com.
Chick Moorman
Chick is the director of the Institute for Personal Power, a consulting firm dedicated to providing high-quality professional development activities for educators and parents. Chick conducts full-day workshops and seminars for school districts and parent groups.
He also delivers keynote addresses for local, state, and national conferences. His mission is to help people experience a greater sense of personal power in their lives so they can in turn empower others. For more information, visit www.chickmoorman.com.
11. Schedule of Upcoming Events
Nov. 8 - Chick - Concurrent Sessions: Grace-Full Parenting, 10 Best/10
Worst Things You Can Say to Your Children, Good Praise/Bad Praise, Together
for Kids Conference, Midland Dow High School, Midland, MI.
Nov. 8 - Thomas - Concurrent Sessions: Transforming Aggression in Children,
10 Best/10 Worst Things to Say to Your Partner, Together for Kids
Conference, Midland Dow High School, Midland, MI.
Nov. 11 - Thomas - 6:30 - 8:30 pm - The 6 Best Parenting Strategies You'll
Ever Need, Healing Minds Institute, Delta College Planetarium, Bay City,
MI. For more information and/or registration, please call 1-667-5654 or
email thomas@thomashaller.com.
Nov. 19 - Chick - 8:00 am - 4:00 pm - Achievement Motivation and Behavior
Management, Holiday Inn, Lansing, MI. For more information and/or
registration, please call (toll-free) 877-360-1477 or email ipp57@aol.com.
Nov. 20 - Chick - 8:00 am - 4:00 pm - Achievement Motivation and Behavior
Management, Crown Plaza Atlanta Airport, Atlanta, GA. For more information
and/or registration, please call (toll-free) 877-360-1477 or email
ipp57@aol.com.
Nov. 21 - Chick - 8:00 am - 4:00 pm - Achievement Motivation and Behavior
Management, Comfort Inn, St. Louis, MO. For more information and/or
registration, please call (toll-free) 877-360-1477 or email ipp57@aol.com.
Nov. 20-22 - Thomas - Intensive 2-day workshop: How to Talk to Your
Children About Sex, Ritz Carlton, Cancun, Mexico.
Nov. 25 - Thomas - 6:30 - 8:30 pm - Treating Eating Disorders, Healing
Minds Institute, Delta College Planetarium, Bay City, MI. For more
information and/or registration, please call 1-989-667-5654 or email
thomas@thomashaller.com.
12. Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!
Copyright 2003 Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.
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