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The CoupleTalk Newsletter #1
Welcome! This is a free newsletter about creating a communication style that honors both you and your partner.
MISSION STATEMENT
Our mission is to strengthen couples and improve their communication by providing them with essential tools for creating a loving, respectful relationship, one that is firmly held together with trust, caring, and compassion.
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Couple Talk Tip
2. Coupling Contemplation
3. Quote
4. Bumper Sticker
5. Couple Talk
6. Myth
7. Sexual Health
8. Article: "Listening and Hearing"
9. Questions and Responses
10. About Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
11. Schedule of Upcoming Events
12. Privacy Statement
1. Couple Talk Tip
Be attentive to the many ways your partner has of saying "I love you." Your partner may be sending messages of love more often than you realize, sometimes with actual words, or sometimes with a gift, a gentle touch, or a simple act of service.
2. Coupling Contemplation
It is easier to act your way into a feeling than it is to feel your way into an action.
If you lived with the above statement in mind, what would your actions toward your partner be like today?
3. Quote
"You can listen like a blank wall or like a splendid auditorium where every sound comes back fuller and richer." ----Alice Duer Miller
4. Bumper Sticker
Spotted on a green VW Beetle in Ann Arbor, MI:
So many women . . . none as good as mine.
5. COUPLE TALK: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship
By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller
"Couple Talk" invites readers to examine their language patterns to see if their style of communication is creating what they want in their relationships. The book provides specific, accessible verbal skills that readers can use immediately to strengthen their partnerships. It suggests helpful words, phrases, and language strategies that aid couples to communicate a range of feelings while building a relationship based on honesty, mutual respect, caring, and intimacy.
"Couple Talk" helps readers to become response-able communicators - able to respond appropriately and effectively to the everyday situations that all couples encounter. "Couple Talk: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship," $24.95 plus $3.75 shipping and handling. Orders go out the same day they are received. Call (toll-free) 877-360-1477.
6. Myth
Myth: Men want sex 3-4 times more frequently than women because women have a much lower sexual desire.
Fact: According to an analysis in the United States National Health and Social Life Survey by Lumann, Paik, and Rosen (1999), low sexual desire effects 20% of men and 33% of women in the general population.
7. Sexual Health
By Thomas Haller On August 26, 1999, the World Association of Sexology approved a Declaration of Sexual Rights during the 14th World Congress of Sexology in Hong Kong and People's Republic of China. The declaration includes eleven sexual rights. This section of our newsletter is dedicated to the tenth declaration, "The right to comprehensive sexuality education." To exercise that right, we here provide a brief educational discussion of a sexual issue.
A painful sensation in the genital area during intercourse or immediately after intercourse is a condition called "Dyspareunia." Narrowly defined, dyspareunia means painful intercourse and the word is generally used to describe discomfort around the genital area and/or internal sex organs of either men or women (women more commonly report coitus discomfort than men). Many factors can contribute to this condition. If you have been experiencing pain associated with intercourse, seeking the assistance of a trained sex therapist will help you get to the root cause of your pain more quickly as well as dispel any misconceptions you may have about it.
Some questions to consider: Is the discomfort external, as opposed to within the vaginal barrel? Is it localized in one particular spot? Is the pain sharp, burning, or itching? Is it intermittent or constant? Are there visible areas of redness or swelling? Are there lesions? Is there a discharge?
Some conditions to explore with a sex therapist and/or doctor include vaginal dryness; yeast infection; vaginal burning possibly caused by contraceptive creams, foams, and sponges; hormonal changes; abscess formation in the Bartholin's glands within the labia, smegma (an oily secretion that can accumulate beneath the clitoral hood); endometriosis; multiple sexual partners; sexually transmitted disease (such as herpes); partner's penis girth/thickness; "marathon" sexual activity; vulvar vestibulitis (small lesions in hymenal area); or psychological trauma from sexual abuse.
Talk about what is happening for you with your partner, and seek professional help as soon as possible. Dyspareunia can be treated effectively and need not become a long-term problem in your relationship.
Thomas Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T. is an AASECT Certified Diplomate Sex Therapist who has worked in private practice for over 12 years in Bay City, Michigan. Therapy appointments with Thomas can be made by contacting Shinedling and Haller, P.C. at (989) 667-5654.
8. Article: "Listening and Hearing"
By Thomas Haller
Effective communication is the key to problem solving. Your skill at communication is critical to the level of intimacy, connectedness, and trust you create with your partner. An undeniable link exists between the words you choose to use and the emotional health and well-being of your relationship. The attitude you choose to have when you are hearing your partner's words, however, is just as critical in the communication process. How you "hear" what your partner is saying will effect how you solve problems, how you resolve conflict, and what level of trust you generate in your partnership.
When Martha showed up alone for an introductory Couple Talk presentation, she had been married one year. She related that she had been fighting with her husband Tony off and on since day one. Their frequent arguments seemed to focus around Martha's work. As a fourth-grade teacher, she often found herself staying after school to help her students with their math or reading assignments or to plan the next day's activities. She would return home to an angry husband who repeatedly asked her why she had to stay after school. Expressing his displeasure in her not coming home sooner, he questioned her desire to spend time with him. As a result, Martha felt guilty about her love of teaching. She saw Tony as trying to control her life and keep her from having a successful career. She began to resent her relationship with Tony and avoided intimate moments with him. She even considered leaving the marriage.
At the Couple Talk presentation, Martha was introduced to the listening and hearing components of communication. She learned about the body language of listening and the importance of eye contact, posture, and attentiveness. She was introduced to several Couple Talk phrases that encourage a partner to continue talking. She learned specific words and phrases she could use to better understand what Tony was feeling or trying to communicate. She learned the importance of hearing, and she practiced the technique of paraphrasing (stating in her own words the core of what she thought Tony was saying). She also learned how to maintain an attitude that fostered a deeper understanding of and appreciation for Tony's words.
After the presentation, Martha spent a few minutes talking with me about what she had discovered. She realized that choosing to feel guilty about not being home right after school was preventing her from hearing what her husband was really asking. In his own way, which was not very skillful, Tony was saying, "I want some time with you." He was attempting to connect, and as Martha began to pull away, to reconnect. He was calling for love. Martha smiled as she headed out the door, saying, "I can work out ways to stay connected to Tony and show him my love while still working on my career. I can't wait to talk to him about it!"
That day Martha learned that your attitude is more important than your appearance, giftedness, or skill. You have a choice every day regarding what attitude you will choose to embrace. You are in charge of your attitude. Though you cannot control how your partner talks to you - what he or she says and the tone of voice he or she uses - you are in control of how you interpret what you hear. Does your attitude embody the essence of your being?
In our book "Couple Talk," we offer signature phrases concerning what to say (or not say) to your partner. We also include a "Hearing" section for each phrase. We provide specific suggestions for how to hear and interpret your partner's words in such a way that true communication can occur and connection can be maintained.
Thomas Haller is co-author with Chick Moorman of "Couple Talk: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship." The book is available from Personal Power Press at (toll-free) 877-360-1477.
9. Questions and Responses
My boyfriend repeatedly puts hickeys on my neck when we are making love. I have told him that I don't like it and it makes me feel like a slut. I'm 46 years old and I don't like having to walk around for a week with these horrible marks on my neck. He continues to do it anyway. Lately I've just given up and I don't say anything, even though I still don't like it.
What do you suggest I do now?
Thanks for your help.
Jill
Dear Jill,
You are having an issue of a boundary violation. Remember, anything is permissible between two consensual adults in the privacy of their own home. The key word here is "consensual." Your boyfriend is crossing a line and violating your personal boundary. Your body is just that: YOUR BODY. It is not available for him to take as he wishes. Your body is for you to give as you desire.
Stop saying nothing. Before you have another intimate moment, have a serious, heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend about how you feel when he disrespects your wish not to have hickeys. Tell him that it's not okay for him to give you hickeys on the neck anymore. If you're willing, offer other less conspicuous places for him to give you hickeys (shoulder, breast, panty line).
The next time you begin to engage in sex, briefly remind him of your wishes and what you discussed earlier. If he even attempts to give you a hickey on your neck in any way, immediately push him off your body and tell him, "You crossed my line." Tell him to "back off." Tell him that you won't let him take advantage of you anymore.
Do not have sex with him until you have an opportunity to sit down together and again discuss how you feel and how important this issue is to you. Talk about what's preventing him from respecting you and your body.
If, having done all this, he still continues the behavior, seek professional help. You may be seeing the beginning signs of an abusive partner.
Thomas
10. About Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
Thomas B. Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T.
Thomas is a widely known national and international presenter in the areas of parenting, interpersonal relationships, and chronic pain. He is the founder and director of the Healing Minds Institute.
He is an AASECT Certified Diplomate Sex Therapist, a Certified Biofeedback Technician, a Certified Sports Counselor, and an Ordained Lutheran Minster. Thomas provides child, adolescent, and couples therapy in private practice at Shinedling, Shinedling, and Haller, P.C. in Bay City, MI. For more information, visit www.thomashaller.com.
Chick Moorman
Chick is the director of the Institute for Personal Power, a consulting firm dedicated to providing high-quality professional development activities for educators and parents. Chick conducts full-day workshops and seminars for school districts and parent groups.
He also delivers keynote addresses for local, state, and national conferences. His mission is to help people experience a greater sense of personal power in their lives so they can in turn empower others. For more information, visit www.chickmoorman.com.
11. Schedule of Upcoming Events
Oct. 1 Chick Moorman - 7:30-8:30 pm, Celebrate the Spirit Whisperers, Wisconsin Lakeside Health Promotion Conference, Tomah Holiday Inn, Tomah, WI.
Oct. 2 Chick Moorman - 9:15-10:15 am, 10 Best/10Worst Things to Say to Your Children, Wisconsin Lakeside Health Promotion Conference, Tomah Holiday Inn, Tomah, WI.
Oct. 4 Chick Moorman - 9:00-3:00 pm, Celebrate the Spirit Whisperers, Michigan School-Age Care Alliance, Holiday Inn South, Lansing, MI.
Oct. 5 Chick Moorman - Parent Talk: How to Increase Self-Esteem and Responsibility, Greater Philadelphia Suzuki Association, Philadelphia, PA.
Oct. 5 Chick Moorman - 1:00-2:00 pm, Radio Interview, Positive Living, Parent Talk, Moreland, NC.
Oct. 9 Chick Moorman - Concurrent Sessions, Celebrate the Spirit Whisperers, Partnering for Character Conference, McCarty Place, Battle Creek, MI.
Oct. 11 Chick Moorman - Concurrent Sessions, Michigan Father's Conference, Grover High School, Birmingham, MI.
Oct. 20 Chick Moorman - 9:00-3:00 pm, Celebrate the Spirit Whisperers, AIMS Conference, Kinsington Academy, MI.
Oct. 21 Chick Moorman - 7:00-9:00 pm, Parent Talk: Words That Empower, Words That Wound, Corunna P.S., High School Cafeteria, Corunna, MI.
Oct. 23 Thomas Haller - 7:00-9:00 pm, Internal Homophobia, Perceptions SV, For the Mid-Michigan GLBT Community, Midland, MI.
Oct. 25 Chick Moorman - Concurrent Sessions, Parent Talk: Words That Empower, Words That Wound, Michigan Child Study Organization, The Lilly Missions Center, Jackson, MI.
Oct. 27 Thomas Haller - 6:30-8:30 pm, Transforming Aggression in Children, Healing Minds Institute, Delta College Planetarium, Bay City, MI.
12. Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!
Copyright 2003 Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.
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