The Importance of Communication
By Thomas B. Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T.
co-author of Couple Talk
Couples often find themselves struggling to communicate. You say one thing. Your partner hears another. You have a vague sense that your partner wants to say something. She remains silent. You want to be told directly. Your partner seems to be dancing around an issue without focusing on a main point. You want to send a clean message, yet you hear yourself say something that reminds you of how your mother talked to your father. Verbal communication is fraught with the potential for misinterpretation and
misunderstanding.
Your choice of words and style of communication are critical to the level of intimacy, connectedness and trust you create with your partner. An undeniable link exists between the words you choose to use and the emotional health and well being of your relationship. The way you talk to your partner, what you say, how you say what you say---- all impact the degree of respect and caring that is present. The language skills you use with your partner affect how you solve problems, how you resolve conflict, and the level of trust you generate in your partnership.
To become an effective communicator and a valuable partner, it is essential for you to increase the number of tools in your language repertoire. To begin you and your partner must come to an agreement on five principles. The first principle is that of commitment. Together you must agree to stay committed to problem solving and solution seeking even when the communication becomes difficult. You may not stay committed to the marriage or to each other, but you agree to stay committed to resolution and whatever that means for both of you.
The second principle is that of respect. In many relationships, past communication patterns have resulted in hurt feelings and increased anger. Agree to treat one another with respect, being as kind and gentle with your words as possible. Use language that reflects your intent on holding your partner in the highest regard.
The third principle is that of listening to understand. Don’t give up at the first sign of miscommunication or misunderstanding. Seek to understand what your partner is feeling, thinking, and experiencing from his or her point of view. Agree that you will together listen and as best you can, understand your partner first before you attempt to respond with your own feelings and thoughts.
The fourth principle is that of ownership. Agree to be responsible for your own actions and your own words. Don’t assign responsibility to your partner and diminish your sense of personal power. When you believe and talk as if someone else is in charge of your feelings and behaviors, you blur the boundaries between two distinct individuals and begin to give your Self away. It takes clear boundaries between two people to make a relationship work with out codependence.
The fifth principle is that of conversation. Agree to talk. No use of avoidance tactics like the silent treatment or saying, “I’m fine,” “It could be worse,” or “Everything’s all right.” Be open, honest, and direct with the language you use. Communicate what you want and need with clear and concise words. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Make the agreement with your partner that no matter how scary the issue or intense the feeling you will talk about it with each other.
Once you have agreed on these five principles the next step is to increase the number of verbal tools you have available in your partnering toolbox. With an increased variety of
verbal tools at your disposal, you increase the likelihood that you and your partner will match the most effective tool to the appropriate situation.
Having the tools at your disposal is a helpful start. But the truth is, having a full toolbox is not enough. You must put the tools to use. Regularly. No one becomes a proficient typist over night. Similarly, no one learns a foreign language without practicing consistently. The communication skills work if you work at using the skills.
Thomas B. Haller is a Couples and Family Therapist and the co-author of Couple Talk, a "how-to" book for couples wishing to develop their skills and techniques for enhancing their relationship with their partner. He is also widely sought after as a national and international presenter in the areas of parenting, interpersonal relationships, and chronic pain. Thomas is also the founder and director of Healing Minds Institute, a center devoted to teaching others to focus and enhance the health of the mind, body, and spirit. Visit www.healingmindsinstitute.com for more information on Thomas Haller and his work.
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