5 Ingredients to a Better Sex Life
By Thomas B. Haller, M.Div., M.S.W., A.C.S.W., D.S.T.
co-author of Couple Talk
Ingredient #1 – Communication
Talk is NOT cheap when it comes to sex. Communication is the key to great sex. It is what holds all the other ingredients together. Discuss openly what you like and what you know you don’t like. Talk with your partner about what feels good and what does not. Not too many people are married to a psychic.
Be willing to talk about your sexual relationship before, during, and after. Before sex talk about what you would like to do, where you would like to do it, and how you would like to do it. During sex talk about what you are enjoying or not enjoying at the moment, “That’s too hard,” “Slower,” “Touch me here.” Give direction to make the experience more edifying. After sex talk about what would you like to do the same next time and what would you like to do different. Explore how could we make the experience what we both want. Give yourself time to get comfortable with talking about sex. Many women and men report not being able to talk to their partner about sex. For many it is easier to DO sex then to TALK about sex.
Ingredient #2 - “Make Time” To Be Romantic
Remember that sex cannot always be spontaneous. As your schedules become hectic with work, children, or household responsibilities sexual contact becomes less. Opportunities for intimacy are replaced with bathing the baby, reading the children, balancing the checkbook. Don’t expect that time for sex will just become available. When it does it is often at the end of the day and your too tired anyway. Schedule time for romance and sex with your partner. Set-up romantic moments. Get a babysitter, take the kids to the day care, block off a couple hours in your planner. Set the time aside and make the commitment to one another to choose romantic things to do during that time.
Ingredient #3 - Planning Is Foreplay
Focus on the process of love making not the orgasmic outcome. Don’t make the focus of every sexual encounter you have with your partner be about orgasm. There is so much more to sex than orgasm. Get involved in ways to please each other that is centered around intimacy and closeness. Consider an erotic massage, gentle touch, holding hands, sensate focus exercises, an evening talking in front of a fire in the fireplace, a quiet dinner for two.
Ingredient #4 - Balance Is the Spice That Make Sex Nice
Balance variety and change with ritual and routine. Changes things up a little bit. Explore different positions. Try one different position each week for the next 2 months. Have sex in different places. Move your sexual encounter out of the bedroom and into a different room in the house. Have sex at different time – morning, middle of the night, middle of the day. Keep the things that you like best. Continue using the positions that feel the best for you and the areas that you feel the most comfortable. Venture off and then come back to the routine that you know works.
Ingredient #5 - Everything is Permissible
When you and your partner agree and are comfortable with what you are doing, then it’s okay. It is not O.K. to force your partner outside their comfort zone and expect them to do something that is undesirable for them. Stay within your own moral and ethical comfort zone and take a risk with your partner from time to time.
Thomas B. Haller is a Couples and Family Therapist and the co-author of Couple Talk, a "how-to" book for couples wishing to develop their skills and techniques for enhancing their relationship with their partner. He is also widely sought after as a national and international presenter in the areas of parenting, interpersonal relationships, and chronic pain. Thomas is also the founder and director of Healing Minds Institute, a center devoted to teaching others to focus and enhance the health of the mind, body, and spirit. Visit www.healingmindsinstitute.com for more information on Thomas Haller and his work.
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