"I hurt when you say those things to me."
an excerpt from Couple Talk - How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship
By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
co-authors of Couple Talk
Communication of feelings is a basic skill in the Couple Talk system. “I hurt when you say those things to me” and similar phrases will help you learn and master this important communication technique.
While you are first learning to express feelings we recommend you focus on the four basic feelings: anger, pain (hurt), pleasure, and fear. You may have heard them referred to a mad, sad, glad, and scared. All other feelings or emotions are a combination of one or two of these four feelings. The four basic feelings could be stated as:
“I hurt when you say those things to me.”
“I’m angry when you say those things to me.”
“I’m sad when you say those things to me.”
“I’m happy when you say those things to me.”
An essential ingredient when communicating feelings is to structure your language in a way that owns your feeling. Take responsibility for your feeling by beginning your expression of it with an “I” statement. “I hurt,” I am angry,” “I am sad,” and “I feel happy” are examples of self-responsible expression of feelings.
When you report your feelings to your partner with a “YOU”
statement, you disown responsibility for them. “You make
me angry,” “You are depressing me,” and “You
make me happy" are examples of giving your partner responsibility
for your feelings.
By saying, “I hurt when you say those things to me,” you own your feeling as well as validate it. Your language does not blame your partner for how you feel. It provides them with information about how you feel when they manifest a specific behavior. It gives them feedback about the types of situations in which you feel hurt, angry, sad, or happy.
“I hurt when you say those things to me” and similar Couple Talk phrases have three parts. The first part requires that you identify your feelings and put them into words. This can be difficult if you are not used to expressing feelings-if you have not been raised by parents who effectively modeled the skill or if your belief system tells you feelings are better unacknowledged. If that is the case for you, begin by focusing on the four basic feelings. Ask yourself” Am I feeling sadness, anger, joy, or fear? Identify one of the basic feelings and express it as simply as possible. “I feel angry” is sufficient. So is “I hurt.”
The second part of this Couple Talk phrase deals with “when.”
“I feel angry when…”
“I hurt when…”
“I get sad when…”
As you structure and communicate the “when” part be specific. Offer pertinent information that will help your partner understand why you are feeling the way you do. Be descriptive, painting a picture with you words. The more specific you can be, the better your chance of communicating clearly what you feel.
Avoid broad references and inferences. Instead of saying “I hurt when you don’t pay attention to me,” say, “I hurt when you spend more time with your buddies on the softball team than you do with me.” To give your partner a more accurate view of your present state, change “I’m angry when you discount me” to “I’m angry when you ask me what I want to do and then you do what you want anyway.”
To help your partner better understand his role in how you feel say, “I hurt when you say that I’m lazy,” “I’m scared when you yell and call me a bitch,” or “I’m sad when you hear I was in a car accident and appear more worried about the car that you are about what happened to me.”
To further clarify your feelings and your partner’s role in them we recommend a third step—the addition of a “because statement.
“I’m angry when you don’t turn off the TV when we talk to one another because it seems like you don’t consider my words important.”
“I hurt when you stare at other women when you’re with me in public because it seems as if you would rather be with them than me.”
“I’m filled with joy when I see you play with the children like that because it reminds me of the times we played together as a young couple.”
“I’m scared when you use that tone of voice with me because is seems threatening and overpowering.”
Adding a “because” statement is a good way to stay clear about why you’re feeling the way you are. It will help to explain and support the “when” part of the statement. Think of the “because” part as the equivalent of using training wheels to learn to ride a bicycle. In time, as you and your partner become more accustomed to expressing feelings and responding to one another, you can drop the training wheels and eliminate the “because” portion of this technique.
Hearing
Hearing your partner express feelings requires the ability to allow him or her to feel however they choose. Be mindful of your own feelings here. It is not necessary to adjust your feelings to match your partner’s. If she is angry, you don’t have to be angry also. If he hurts, you don’t have to hurt more. If she is sad, you don’t have to rescue her by trying to cheer her up.
As the receiver of this Couple Talk phrase, you are being challenged to explore your role in how your partner feels. Resist letting yourself feel threatened by his expression of feelings. Welcome it as an opportunity to understand and grow closer. Remain open to the possibility that you may be contributing to her emotional state in some way. See what is here for you to learn. Be willing to discover. Be willing to listen. Be willing to simply be present.
Thomas B. Haller is a Couples and Family Therapist and the co-author of Couple Talk, a "how-to" book for couples wishing to develop their skills and techniques for enhancing their relationship with their partner. He is also widely sought after as a national and international presenter in the areas of parenting, interpersonal relationships, and chronic pain. Thomas is also the founder and director of Healing Minds Institute, a center devoted to teaching others to focus and enhance the health of the mind, body, and spirit. Visit www.healingmindsinstitute.com for more information on Thomas Haller and his work.
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