The Response-Able Parent Newsletter
September 12, 2003

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Welcome! This is a free newsletter on becoming a Response-Able parent, raising Response-Able children.

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IN THIS ISSUE

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1. Quotes
2. Humor
3. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation
4. Bumper Sticker
5. The Wisdom of Children
6. Facts
7. Article: "Check Yourself"
8. Children of the New Earth
9. Question and Response
10. Managing Your Subscription

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1. Quote [back to top]

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"The most effective way to protect young people from unhealthy or dangerous behaviors is for parents to be involved in their lives."

----Robert W. Blum

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2. Humor [back to top]

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Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund?

He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.

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3. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation [back to top]

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Just for today, eliminate blame and fault from your thinking and your actions. Act as if blame and fault do not exist. See what happens to your perceptions and to the responses you create to the situations that arise.

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Subscriber comments, ideas, and concerns are valued. Email your

comment to IPP57@aol.com

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4. Bumper Sticker [back to top]

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Spotted on a red Chevy truck in Gaylord, MI:

Hunt with your children, not for them.

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5. The Wisdom of Children [back to top]

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"You should never laugh at your dad when he is mad or screaming at you."

John, age 12

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6. Facts [back to top]

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Children who breathe secondhand smoke are more likely to experience pneumonia, bronchitis, and decreased lung function.

Children who breathe secondhand smoke are more likely to suffer from ear infections and develop asthma; they are also at higher risk for Sudden Infant Death.

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Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!

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7. Article: "Check Yourself" [back to top]

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By Chick Moorman

"Check yourself," I said to Austin recently, "and make sure you have all your equipment for Tae Kwon Do."

"I have it all," he replied (without checking), and he placed his Tae Kwon Do bag on the back seat of the car before settling into the front passenger seat. Gameboy immediately appeared and became Austin's only concern during the thirty-minute trip to Saginaw, where his twice-weekly lessons take place.

Actually, Austin, age twelve, didn't have all his equipment. His headgear was on his bed at home. I spotted it there moments before we left.

When I spotted the headgear in his room, I had several choices:

1. Remind Austin that it was on his bed.
2. Put it in the trunk of the car to give to him later.
3. Tell him that because he didn't have all his stuff, he wasn't going.
4. Use "check yourself" Parent Talk.

I decided on the "check yourself" response.

I did so because my job as a parent is to teach my child a system. It's Austin's job to use the system. I bought him a Tae Kwon Do bag with a place for each piece of his equipment. I taught him how to use it. End of my responsibility, beginning of his.

If I remind Austin that he doesn't have all his equipment the first time it happens, I'm a nice guy. If I remind him on a second occasion, he'll begin to expect my reminder. If I help him out a third time, I have a new job. I have unofficially become the reminder person. I don't want that job. I already have enough jobs. It's Austin's job to make sure he has all his equipment, not mine.

So off we went to Saginaw, Austin thinking he had all his equipment, me knowing he didn't. We traveled in excess of thirty minutes to attend a class in which he wouldn't be able to participate because he didn't have the proper equipment.

When we arrived, I let Austin out at the front door and parked the car. By the time I entered the lobby, he was in a state if panic.

"I can't find my headgear!" he screamed.

"You're kidding," I replied, pretending to know nothing of his predicament.(I successfully resisted the urge to say, "I thought you said you checked yourself and that you had all of it.")

"It's not here. Someone must have stolen it!" he exclaimed, disowning responsibility for its whereabouts.

"What are you going to do?" I asked, attempting to switch the focus from blaming to solution seeking.

"Nothing I can do. I'll just have to sit out."

"Austin, you always have more choices than you think you have," I said, using another one of my favorite Parent Talk signature phrases.

"There are no choices here," he said. "There's nothing I can do."

"I can think of some choices. Want to hear them?"

"Okay."

"You could check the lost and found. Maybe your headgear is there. Or maybe there's another one there you can use. Perhaps a classmate has an extra one. You could check around. Maybe Master Gary has a loaner for cases just like this."

"I don't know."

"Well, there are some possibilities. I know you can handle it. I'll be back in a bit -- I want to visit the convenience store." (My ritual on these days is to drop Austin off, go to the corner store, get a 44-ounce diet Coke and a newspaper, and then return in time to watch his practice.)

On this particular day I purposely took a bit longer. I wanted to make sure the practice was well under way before I made my appearance. When I entered the training room, Austin was sitting on the side watching. He couldn't participate because he didn't have all the necessary equipment.

On the way home I used some really effective Parent Talk. I said nothing. In this case, the consequence did the teaching. Any words I might have added would only have taken his focus off the teaching and placed it on the preaching.

When we got home, some two hours after we left, Austin found his headgear on his bed.

"I don't know how it got there," he offered.

"Me neither," I said.

I told this story at a parenting workshop a few months ago and was chastised by a mother who informed me that I had wasted two hours of my time as well as gallons of gas. Her response, she informed the group, would have been to tell the child to "check himself." When he announced that he had everything, she would have told him, "Your headgear is on your bed, so you aren't going today." She felt that keeping him home would have held him accountable and that she wouldn't have had to waste two hours going to the class for no reason.

The flaw in this mom's strategy is that it sets up a scenario in which the child would see her as the one responsible for his not going to class. By looking to her, he would spend no time looking to himself for responsibility. He would have been mad at her instead of at himself. In his mind, she would have been the cause of his missing class.

The two hours I spent and the gallons of gas I used were not wasted. They were invested. They were invested in Austin's future, placed securely in a responsibility bank account that he'll be able to draw on later if he chooses.

How long it takes Austin to learn that he's responsible for his own equipment is up to him. I'm not in charge of when he learns the lesson, only whether or not he gets learning opportunities. I'm willing to take my responsibility. And leave space for him to take his.

Chick Moorman is the author of "Parent Talk: How to Talk to Your Child in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility" and "Spirit Whisperers: Teachers Who Nourish a Child's Spirit." (Available from Personal Power Press at (toll-free) 877-360-1477.)

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8. Children of the New Earth [back to top]

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"Children of the New Earth" is an exciting new magazine offering practical tips on how to deal with today's children. This visionary journal celebrates children's power and wisdom. It includes inspiring stories for parents and teachers. Check it out at www.childrenofthenewearth.com.

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9. Question and Response [back to top]

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I have been using a phrase from the Parent Talk book, "Please make a decision," with my four-year-old daughter. I like the fact that it allows her to be the decision maker. While it works sometimes, other times she just says, "No." She doesn't really respond to my offer of choices. What is my next step?

Thanks,

Brenda's mom

Hello, Brenda's mom,

I suggest you limit the choices you offer her. Structure your choices so she can pick from two alternatives. Examples: "Please make a decision to keep food on the table or excuse yourself from the table." "Please make a decision to treat your doll gently or give her a rest on your shelf."

It's difficult for young children to choose from an unlimited number of possibilities. Also, if you offer her unlimited choice, you increase the risk that she'll choose an option you don't approve of.

If you desire to give her unlimited choice, I suggest you say, "I'm being disturbed by the noise in the kitchen. Please make a different choice," or "Hands are not for hitting. Please make a different choice."

If you implement one of the suggestions above and she still says, "No," then give her one additional choice. Tell her, "You can choose to make a decision or mommy will decide. You choose." If she still says, "No," tell her, "I see you choose to have mommy make the decision." Then follow through immediately with love and an open heart.

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9. Managing Your subscription [back to top]

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