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Welcome! This is a free newsletter on becoming a Response-Able parent, raising Response-Able children. ___________________________________________________________________ MISSION STATEMENTMy mission is to strengthen families and improve parent communication skills (including my own), by helping parents learn practical, useable verbal strategies for raising responsible, caring, confident children. IN THIS ISSUE 1. Quote ======================================================= 1. Quote======================================================= "Being a mother isn't simply a matter of having children. To think that is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes you a musician." ----Sydney Harris ======================================================== 2. Bumper Sticker======================================================== Spotted on a black Ford pickup truck in Chesaning, MI: My kids think I am an ATM machine. ======================================================== 3. Humor======================================================== "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they are finished, I climb out." ----Erma Bombeck =========================================================== 4. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation=========================================================== What if, in your parenting moments today, you believed and behaved as if perception is a choice? What would you choose to see? =========================================================== Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always! =========================================================== 5. Article: 10 Ways to Make Yourself Dispensable========================================================== 10 Ways to Make Yourself Dispensable By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller How many of you are interested in raising a 30-year-old Nintendo player? One who lies around your house all day eating cold pizza and sucking up diet Pepsi? If you are like the many parents who attend our parenting workshops, creating a 30-year-old video game player is not your goal. You are probably attempting to raise a responsible, caring, confident youngster who at sometime between the ages of 18 and 25 is capable of leaving home and living successfully on his or her own. Raising a responsible young adult who can function effectively in the world does not happen by luck, coincidence, or magic. It occurs when parents set out to make it happen by working diligently throughout a child's life to make themselves dispensable. Below you will find 10 ways to make yourself dispensable in your child's life. Each one will help you move closer to your goal of raising an independent, autonomous, fully functioning young adult. (1) Believe that making yourself dispensable is your main job as a parent. If you believe that your job is to be needed and that your central role is to do for your children, you will have a difficult time implementing the ideas that follow. Helping doesn't always help. Sometimes it creates learned helplessness. When you do for your children things they can do for themselves, you are overfunctioning. Overfunctioning begins with the belief, "My children need me to do for them." Change that belief to "My job is to help my children do for themselves." (2) If you want a behavior, you have to teach a behavior. If you want teenagers to do their own laundry, begin when they are in preschool. Teach preschoolers to send dirty clothes down the laundry chute or place them in the clothes hamper. When they are older, teach them to sort laundry into piles according to color. Later, help them learn how to fold it correctly and put it away. Still later, teach them how to use the washer and dryer. By the time they are teenagers, they can be doing it all. Children do not naturally know how to bring in firewood, clean the fish bowl, set the table, dry the dishes, or take their own dishes to the sink after dinner. If you want a behavior, you have to teach a behavior. If you don't, you could end up doing it all yourself. (3) Use Parent Talk that supports your belief that children can do for themselves. Watch out for language that promotes learned helplessness. Examples include: "Here, let me do that for you." This style of language is a clue that you could be overfunctioning and making yourself indispensable. (4) Refuse to do for your children what they can do or learn to do for themselves. Do you do laundry for a teenager? Do you pack your fifth grader's lunch? Do you tie the shoes and zip the coat of a six year old? Do you look up phone numbers for your fourth grader? If so, you could be overfunctioning. Remember, the more you function, the less your child has to. (5) Refrain from answering for your child. We recently overheard a conversation where a friend approached a parent and child and spoke to the child, asking her a direct question: "How are you doing today, Maria?" The mother responded for the child, replying, "She's not in a very good mood today." The silent message delivered to the child was: "You don't have to speak up for yourself. I will take care of you." When the doctor asks, "Why are you here today?" or the neighbor inquires, "What was your favorite birthday present?" or Grandma wants to know, "How do you like school this year?" stay out of it. Allow your child to answer for himself. (6) Teach your children to ask for help. One way to do that is not to help them until they ask. Parents often rush in with help before the child has articulated a desire for help. Why would they ever need to ask for help if help always arrives without asking? Teach your children the words to use when asking for help. Role-play with them so they can practice a few times. Empower them by teaching them this important skill. (7) Make materials accessible. Use the lower shelves in cupboards for glasses, bowls, and silverware. Keep your children's cereals and other relevant food items within their reach. Keep the chips and other occasional treats up high in your cupboards. If you set up your kitchen this way, your children do not have to come to you all the time for supplies. Stock the lower shelves in the refrigerator with milk, juice, and other items that they use frequently. Keep markers, glue, paste, tape, paper and other appropriate art supplies within reach. Place the hot glue gun out of reach, of course. (8) Teach children to solve their own problems. Do not say, "Don't say anything to your mother. I'll handle it for you. I know your mother well and I can catch her in a good mood." All this teaches your child is that you see him as not capable of handling situations himself. Instead, say, "You're going to have to handle this with your mother. Let me teach you what I know. I generally try to catch her in the afternoon because she gets real busy in the morning. If she's having a bad hair day, forget it. Also, she responds better if you make it sound like a suggestion rather than a demand. Hopefully, these tips will help. I know you can handle it. Let me know how you make out." This style of speaking announces to your child that you believe in him and that you see him as capable. (9) Your job is to give your children a system. Their job is to use it. Yes, buy your daughter a Taekwondo bag and teach her where all the equipment goes. When you buy it and teach her how to use it, your job is done. It is her job to use the system. Teach your child how to organize his homework. His job is to organize it. Teach your child a system for respecting family books. His job is to use it. (10) Refrain from rescuing children from experiencing the legitimate consequences of their actions. Do not rescue, save, bail them out, let them slide, accept excuses, or fail to hold them accountable for the choices they make. When you refuse to protect children from the choices they make, you allow them to take responsibility for their lives. Raising responsible children is not an easy task. It takes effort, energy, and persistence. You can do it best when you purposefully take steps to make yourself dispensable. Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of "The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose" and "Couple Talk: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship," available from Personal Power Press at (toll-free) 877-360-1477. Visit wwwchickmoorman.com and www.thomashaller.com. ============================================================= 6. Article Reprints============================================================= We have many articles like the one above that are available for reprint by your school, PTA, church, or other organization. To check out the complete list of articles, go to www.chickmoorman.com. There is no charge for reprinting these articles, but we do ask that you use our byline at the top and publish our trailer at the end of each article you reprint. ============================================================ 7. We Get Emails============================================================= Dear Chick and Thomas, Yesterday, my 5 year old was swinging on her swing set. We were chatting as she swung back and forth. When her rhythm on the swing got messed up, she said, "Oh, I hate myself." I didn't know what to do. She has never said anything like that before. She is usually a happy-go-lucky kid. She is sensitive but nothing like this has ever come up before. I talked to her about it and she says she does not know why she said it. We have a history of depression in my family so I want to be aware. Is this something I should be worried about or is it normal? Please help. Shocked Mom Dear Shocked Mom, Sounds like you are really frustrated. Take a deep breath and relax. Most likely, this is not a big deal. When children say things like this, a good rule of thumb is to respond to the feeling rather than to the words. Say, "You're really frustrated with the swing," or "You sound angry." React to the feeling even if she says things like, "I hate you," or "I want a new mommy." Again, use Parent Talk that responds to the feeling rather than to the words. Say, "You sound really mad at me," or "I can see you are angry. Please tell me another way." Then teach her the appropriate words to use to express her anger. By responding to the feeling, you are teaching your child a feeling vocabulary. You are helping her understand what is going on inside of her. When she expands her feeling vocabulary, it is less likely that she will use disparaging language and more likely that she will report her feelings using her new words. Best wishes, =========================================================== "Parent Talk: How to Talk to Your Child in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility" can be obtained from Personal Power Press by calling (toll-free) 877-360-1477 or emailing ipp57@aol.com. =========================================================== 8. More Email=========================================================== Just wanted to let you know how well the Parent Talk System is working for me. Madison comes to my house 4 days a week after school and I provide childcare for her. When she arrives she has a snack and is supposed to begin her homework. A pattern developed. As soon as I say, "Madison, it's time to begin your homework," she begins to whine, "I don't want to," "I'm still hungry," or "I'll do it later." The part that bothered me most was the whining tone. I decided to use your red light/green light strategy with her. So I prepared my statement like you suggested and waited for the next episode. I didn't have to wait long. When she began to whine, I told her, "Madison, that is whining. Whining doesn't work with me. What works with me is if you ask in a normal voice, with a normal tone, and normal volume. When you do that, sometimes you get what you want. Sometimes you don't. But it's your only hope." She just looked at me with a blank stare and then began whining again. Since I had the statement memorized, I gave it to her again. She repeated the whining one more time to check me out to see if I was serious. I followed the whine with another repeat of the red light/green light Parent Talk. At this point she asked in a normal voice. I told her she would have to do her homework today because she had a violin lesson that night. The next day, Madison began whining again, but after my second repeat of the red light/green light statement she asked in a normal voice. This time I told her she could have a half hour of choice time and then she could begin her homework. During the next few days she only tried whining once and then used an appropriate voice. Sometimes I let her delay her homework. Other times, if she had a lot to do or other obligations in the evening, I had her do her homework right away. This Parent Talk skill is working. Her whining has lessened to a great degree. I am not as frustrated when she begins the whining because I know I have a plan to deal with it. The whole process has made the afternoon much more pleasant for both of us. Madison is learning new ways to attempt to get what she wants as well as learning that she cannot always get her way. Thank you for providing me with this tool. Sincerely, ============================================================ 9. The 10 Commitments Website============================================================ Want to find out more about our new book, "The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose"? Check out the new website, 10commitments.net. ============================================================= 10. Book Report============================================================ "Solution seeking takes time. Yes, it is quicker to simply tell your child what to do. Yes, it is easier to come up with a solution yourself and require that it be implemented. Clearly it is more efficient to do it yourself. But efficient does not always equate with effective. It is more effective in the long run to involve your children in the search for solutions. It is more effective to have them experience the solution-seeking process than to merely tell them how to solve their problems. If raising competent, caring, confident children is your goal, think in terms of being effective, not of being efficient." IF YOU LIKED THIS QUOTE, YOU WILL LOVE "THE 10 COMMITMENTS: PARENTING WITH PURPOSE." "The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose" is now available! This inspirational and practical parenting guide is filled with real life examples of parents putting the 10 commitments to work in their lives. The 165-page hardback book is now available for $20.00 plus shipping and handling. Order today to insure that your copies will arrive in time for holiday giving. To order, email ipp57@aol.com or call our toll-free number, 877-360-1477. ========================================================== 11. The Parent Talk System: Facilitator Training========================================================== WANTED: Interested parents or teachers to become local facilitators of the Parent Talk System's Language of Response-Able Parenting model. GOAL: To help the parents of your community, school, or church group learn effective verbal skills to use with their children. Take a giant step toward helping the parents in your community. Become a skilled facilitator of the Parent Talk System by attending our summer facilitator training. Join the growing number of people from around the world (USA, Mexico, Spain, Canada) who have learned how to help parents raise responsible, caring, confident children. We will help you learn to put the highly effective Parent Talk skills into the hands of parents in your church, school, or organization. You will leave this three-day training with the skills and confidence to touch the hearts and minds of parents in your community! Parent Talk System Training Schedule: Facilitated by Chick Moorman and Sarah Knapp. Limited to 25 participants. Graduate credit available. To request a detailed brochure, email ipp57@aol.com. (Be sure to include your mailing address.) ============================================================= A West Coast Facilitator Training is in the planning stages. Let us know if you are interested in receiving more information on this exciting opportunity. Email ipp57@aol.com. |
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