The Response-Able Parent Newsletter
May 28, 2004
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MISSION STATEMENT
My mission is to strengthen families and
improve parent communication skills (including my own),
by helping parents learn practical, useable verbal strategies
for raising responsible, caring, confident children.
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IN THIS ISSUE
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"Never place a period in your life, where
God only meant to place a comma."
— Gracie Allen
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Many of you have written to inquire about
my health.
I am happy to report I am back in the saddle
again. After several weeks of radiation and chemo and three
months of recovery, my latest CAT scan was clear. You can
only imagine the celebration that occurred in my family.
Having made it over this hurdle, my focus is now on staying
cancer-free forever.
My deepest thanks go to those of you who
prayed in my behalf, sent words of
encouragement, and helped to keep my spirits up. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Now it is time to concentrate again on helping
parents and teachers raise responsible, caring, confident
young people. Thank you for the opportunity to share my
thoughts, ideas, and strategies with you through this newsletter.
Please pass it on.
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3. Spirit
Whisperer Contemplation [back
to top]
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Observe how your children approach you today.
What is their approach saying about the ways they perceive
you? What is it saying about the ways you perceive them?
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About 10.4 million Americans between ages
twelve and twenty had at least one alcoholic drink last
month. Nearly 7 million of these underage kids could be
considered binge drinkers, consuming five or more drinks
in a row on a single occasion.
Go to www.ncadd.org for parenting resources and suggestions.
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Subscriber comments, ideas, and concerns
are valued. Email your
comment to IPP57@aol.com
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5. Article:
"10 Tips for Making Your Family Vacation the Best Ever"
[back to top]
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by Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
Summer is fast approaching and school is
coming to an end. Soon it will be time to load the family
in the car and head down the road on a vacation you hope
will be more than fun for all.
Perhaps you're thinking of vacationing somewhere
new this year and taking in the sights of our beautiful
country. Or maybe you're planning on spending some much
needed R & R around a campfire at your favorite campground.
Whether you plan to vacation for a full week or a few long
weekends, how you prepare the family can make or break this
year's vacation. The ten tips below can help you make this
year's family vacation the best ever.
#1 ESTABLISH A MUTUAL PLAN: Allow every member
of the family to have input on the type of vacation and/or
activities they would like to experience. Pick a destination
together. Reach consensus on what type of vacation you want
to create. Then brainstorm all the possible sites to visit
and potential activities. Build a list of things you want
to do, making sure that each family member has a top priority
on the list. When everyone has a say, you build commitment
and lower resistance.
If your children are younger, establish the
destination with your spouse, and then discuss with your
children various options about what to do when you get there.
As your children get older, increase their input on decisions.
By allowing every family member to have input,
ownership is established. Each family member can now look
forward to the specific part he or she desires while allowing
other family members to enjoy their special preferences.
#2 VACATION WITHIN YOUR FINANCIAL MEANS: Plan
a vacation that you know you can afford. Stress builds as
the money dwindles. Do only what you can afford to do. If
you can't afford to take a vacation the way you'd like,
plan to take that vacation at a later date and get everyone
involved in building the funds to do so. Agree that for
now you will vacation within the limits of what the family
can afford. This models fiscal responsibility for your children
and teaches them to work and save for something desirable.
#3 STICK TO THE CHILDREN'S REGULAR DAILY SCHEDULE/ROUTINE:
The younger the child, the more important it is to stick
to your regular schedule. While on vacation, children under
the age of ten need to go to bed, get up, and eat at the
same times they normally do. Young children's bodies are
not able to adjust quickly to time changes and schedule
adjustments. The more adjustments in their traditional schedules
your children are called upon to make, the more mood swings
and irritability you're likely to encounter. For a less
stressful, more relaxed vacation, keep the changes in schedule
to a minimum.
#4 BE FLEXIBLE: No matter what the plan, be
willing and able to adjust it. No matter how well you planned
beforehand, surprises and unexpected events will occur.
Flexibility allows you to bring variability and energy to
your vacation plan. When roadblocks occur, stubbornly insisting
that the plan be precisely followed can create unwelcome
tension. Relax and roll with the punches.
#5 DON'T ATTEMPT TO DO IT ALL: Slow down.
The more you and your family members attempt to "fit
it all in," the greater the chance that irritability
and frustration will occur. Set a steady pace that attempts
to accomplish a little bit of the plan at a time. Don't
push to accomplish everything on your list. Remember, a
vacation is about enjoying and savoring time away from the
hustle and bustle of everyday life.
#6 REMEMBER THAT BOREDOM IS A CHOICE: When
traveling (especially by car), take a variety of games,
toys, books, and videos to occupy time. Be creative. The
words "I'm bored" or "This is boring"
are cues that it's time to make a different choice and change
to another activity. Perhaps it's time to get out of the
car and run around. It could be time to stop at a new restaurant.
A travel center could provide treasures of trinkets, books,
and brochures to rekindle interest.
#7 DON'T ATTEMPT TO DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER
AS A FAMILY: You don't have to do everything together as
a family all the time. It's okay to split up. Different
people have different interests. Allow for opportunities
to explore these different interests without feeling the
need to stick with those who will find them boring and be
inclined to "grumble and moan" about it. Seek
opportunities to have one-on-one time with each of your
children. The experiences of the individual will add life
and energy to the family as they are shared and talked about
later.
#8 FOLLOW A HIGH-VOLUME DAY WITH A LOW-VOLUME
DAY: Give yourself and your children the opportunity to
recuperate and reenergize. Mix a day of rest and low activity
in with the fast-paced, high-energy days. The entire family
will be able to enjoy the high-volume day when everyone's
energy is strong. Your family will only be as energetic
as the least energetic person.
#9 EAT HEALTHY WHENEVER POSSIBLE: So many
vacations are riddled with fast food and high-sugar drinks.
As the vacation progresses, the body's need to manage stress
challenges the immune system. Eating healthy and drinking
water instead of soft drinks increases the body's ability
to adjust and cope with change. No one wants to be sick
while on vacation. Eating healthy increases your chances
of staying healthy and full of energy.
#10 MAKE A "BE" CHOICE: Discuss
and choose how you are going to "BE" during various
parts of the vacation. Decide to "BE" playful
at times, serious at other times. Talk about the various
choices in mood and temperament that are available to everyone
during a specific activity. If a trip is planned in which
waiting in line is likely, some choices are to "BE"
observant, friendly, patient, frustrated, curious, or talkative.
Help one another make choices that enable the vacation to
be enjoyable for the entire family. Support one another
in making a helpful "BE" choice and in
BEING that choice.
Once your vacation is over, come together
as a family and discuss how it went. View pictures together
and reflect on what each person remembers about that moment.
Debrief and evaluate what worked and what didn't. Consider
adjustments that would make the next family vacation smoother
and more enjoyable. Begin to plan the next trip, keeping
in mind the highs and lows of the trip that just passed.
Doing so will put you on your way to making your next family
vacation the best one ever.
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors
of "Couple Talk: How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship"
(available from Personal Power Press at (toll-free) 877-360-1477).
They also publish "Couple Talk," a FREE email
newsletter for couples. Subscribe to it at ipp57@aol.com.
Visit www.chickmoorman.com
and www.thomashaller.com.
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Chick Moorman's articles are available for
reprinting and distribution. All I ask is that you keep
my name at the top of the article and attach the following
tagline at the bottom:
Chick Moorman is the author of "Parent
Talk: How to Talk to Your Child in Language That Builds
Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility" and "Spirit
Whisperers: Teachers Who Nourish a Child's Spirit."
(Available from Personal Power Press at (toll-free) 877-360-1477.)
He publishes FREE e-newsletters for parents and educators.
Contact him at ipp57@aol.com to get your free
subscription to one or both newsletters.
Thank you for your compliance with this request.
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When your child comes to you with a concern,
most likely you can solve the problem. As an experienced
adult, you have the answers. You know what to do. Do that
often and your child begins to see you as the problem solver,
the fixer, the rescuer. Your child loses confidence in his
or her own ability to handle problems and fails to build
skills to use when you are not around.
Instead of giving answers, consider asking
questions.
Questions can help your child consider options: "What
have you thought of so far?" "What other possibilities
do you see?"
Questions can help your child focus and clarify goals: "What
are you attempting to accomplish here?" "How would
you like it to turn out?"
You communicate trust when you ask your child questions:
"What can you do to create it the way you want it?"
"How would you handle this if no one were around to
ask?"
Questions allow you to become the facilitator.
They help you step out of the rescuing role: "What
do you think would happen if you did that?" "How
would that feel if it were happening to you?" "So
what do you think you will do?"
If your goal is raising a confident, skill-oriented solution-seeker,
ask questions instead offering solutions.
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Multiple copies of "Parent Talk: How
to Talk to Your Child in Language That Builds Self-Esteem
and Encourages Responsibility" can be obtained at discount
prices by calling (toll-free) 877-360-1477 or emailing ipp57@aol.com.
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We childproofed our home three years ago,
but they're still getting in.
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Rights to print, publish, and sell a paperback edition of
"Parent Talk" in the Thai language has been granted
to The Master Group Management Company in Bangkok, Thailand.
We're pleased that parents and children in Thailand will
soon be benefiting from the helpful concepts the book contains.
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Dear Chick,
Contemplating your last issue on youth sports, I recalled
a discussion that occurred a few weeks ago during Bible
study. We were discussing how in our minds, a busy life
equals a successful life. We ended up taking about our children's
extracurricular lives, including sports schedules.
I was shocked by the realization that we are teaching our
kids to feel successful not by what they want to accomplish,
but by what we want them to accomplish. Don't get me wrong.
Of course every parent wants the best possible future for
their little treasures. But the cost is tremendous.
We enroll them in so many activities that there is little
time left for them to be kids. We focus so much on goals
that we overlook the joy of living through the process,
participating, learning a new skill, sharing, winning, losing,
making choices, making mistakes, learning manners, sportsmanship,
etc. It seems like we are trying to turn our children into
degrees and titles rather than people.
My thoughts on this began the day my 6-year-old, Maria,
told me she was bored. "Bored?" I asked. "Yes,"
she replied. "Entertain me." I was overwhelmed
by her statement. Have I become my child's entertainer?
Drive me here. Take me there. Enroll me in this and that.
What about taking a bike ride, playing dolls, or reading
a book? I was shocked that my 6-year-old would rather be
scheduled to exhaustion than use her imagination or play
"make believe." I wasn't teaching her how to live.
I was teaching her to live fast enough so that nothing mattered.
I made the decision to teach my kids to become persons before
ballet dancers or swimmers. I asked my daughter to choose
her one favorite activity. We do that now, once a week.
During the rest of the week we play together or she plays
alone. The TV and computer are not options except on rare
occasions.
At my Bible study, the mothers confessed to not ever having
family dinners because of their kids' schedules. They complained
how they and their husbands raced around after work taking
their children to activities. Imagine what this is like
when there are 2 or 3 kids. There were many opinions expressed,
with some mothers saying that they want their kids to get
a headstart for college!!!!! These are just kids!!!
Chick, I think our mission as parents is to leave healthy,
loving, functioning adults on this earth, but our focus
on how to achieve that has to change. For me, this has been
a great lesson. Allowing Maria to think about what she wants
to do, choose it, and then enjoy it in a relaxed manner
is now my goal. In the end, it will be her accomplishment,
and if I am lucky, she will invite me along for the ride.
Your friend,
Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned Mom,
Thanks for sharing. We do live in harried times. Thank you
for the reminder to slow down, be selective, and enjoy the
process.
Warmly,
Chick
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11. Facilitator Training
in the Parent Talk System [back
to top]
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WANTED: Training facilitators to learn the
Parent Talk System's Language of Response-Able Parenting
model.
GOAL: To help parents learn effective verbal
skills to use with their children.
Take a giant step toward helping the parents
in your community. Become a skilled facilitator of the Parent
Talk System by attending our summer facilitator training.
Join the growing number of people from around the world
(USA, Mexico, Spain) who have learned how to help parents
raise responsible, caring, confident children. We will help
you learn to put the highly effective Parent Talk skills
into the hands of parents in your church, school, or organization.
You will leave this three-day training with the skills and
confidence to touch the hearts and minds of parents in your
community!
Parent Talk System Training Schedule:
July 29, 30, 31
Dearborn, MI
Spring Arbor University Campus
Facilitated by Chick Moorman and Judith Minton.
Limited to 25 participants. Graduate credit available. To
request a detailed brochure, email ipp57@aol.com. (Be sure
to include your mailing address.)
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12. Managing
Your Subscription [back
to top]
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A.) If you are receiving the newsletter as
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