The Response-Able Parent Newsletter
January 9, 2004

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Welcome! This is a free newsletter on becoming a Response-Able parent, raising Response-Able children.

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MISSION STATEMENT

My mission is to strengthen families and improve parent communication skills (including my own), by helping parents learn practical, useable verbal strategies for raising responsible, caring, confident children.

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IN THIS ISSUE

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1. Quote
2. Definition
3. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation
4. Bumper Sticker
5. Newsletter Update
6. Parent Talk Tip
7. Fact
8. Article: "A Big Old Grin"
9. We Get Email
10. Managing Your Subscription

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1. Quote [back to top]

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"Skillful speech not only means that we pay attention to the words we speak and to their tone, but also requires that our words reflect compassion and concern for others and that they help and heal, rather than wound and destroy."

----Bhante Henepola Gunaratana

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2. Definition [back to top]

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OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

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3. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation [back to top]

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Ask yourself today: "What can I learn from this experience? Is there a way I can make this experience useful to my children?"

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Subscriber comments, ideas, and concerns are valued. Email your

comment to IPP57@aol.com

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4. Bumper Sticker [back to top]

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Seen in a parking lot in Midland, MI:

BE NICE TO YOUR KIDS.

THEY WILL CHOOSE YOUR NURSING HOME.

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5. Newsletter Update [back to top]

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The Response-Able Parent Newsletter may not be delivered as regularly as it has been in the past.

I have recently undergone a major operation to remove cancer and now face several months of chemo and radiation. This challenge will take most of my energy and effort. Please add me to your prayer list, and send me positive thoughts and energy.

I will work on this newsletter as I feel able. It is uplifting for me to share these concepts with others; doing so provides me with a sense of purpose and service.

Do not be surprised if there is some disruption of schedule. Also, I may recycle some articles from earlier editions.

Thank you for your understanding and prayers.

Warmly,

Chick Moorman

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6. Parent Talk Tip [back to top]

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Children do not always make helpful choices. Often their unhelpful choices need to be stopped and redirected. At these times it is helpful to use Parent Talk that demonstrates understanding, tells why the choice is not possible, and offers the child a solution.

Situation: Your child takes a red crayon from the hands of a playmate.

Parent Talk: "You want to use the red crayon. And Madison is using it right now. You will be able to use the red crayon when Madison is done with it. Ask her to let you know when she is finished."

"You want to use the red crayon" demonstrates that you have some understanding of why your child took the red crayon.

"And Madison is using it right now" gives the reason why your child can't use the red crayon right now. Notice the use of "and" instead of "but." "And" has a more gentle sound and is used to connect the child's behavior to the reason it is not appropriate.

The final piece of Parent Talk here is to offer a solution. "You will be able to use the red crayon when Madison is done with it. Ask her to let you know when she is finished" gives your child a strategy to use to get what he or she wants. It teaches a new, preferred behavior.

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More helpful PARENT TALK strategies are contained in a five-tape series titled "The Language of Response-Able Parenting." If you want to eliminate negative behaviors, promote independence while reducing learned helplessness, and hold children accountable for their actions without wounding their spirits, this tape series is for you. It contains over 10 hours of practical strategies for becoming the parent you always wanted to be. Order from Personal Power Press at 877-360-1477, or email
ipp57@aol.com. ($39.95 plus shipping and handling.) Free postage to the
first 10 people who respond.

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7. Fact [back to top]

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Every day in America 12 children and youth under 20 die from firearms.

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Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!

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8. Article: "A Big Old Grin" [back to top]

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By Ann Tait (Age 14)

Sometimes the lessons that you learn in life come from the people you least expect them from. My little brother Jimmy is 12 years old. He's also mentally and physically handicapped. He had a stroke before he was born, and parts of his body (his toes and his brain) didn't completely form.

But even though those things aren't completely what they should be, I think Jimmy makes up for it in the area of his heart. When we go out in public, there are people who stare at us - who won't even come near us - because they're afraid of my baby brother. I've seen kids as little as four stick out their tongues and make evil little faces at him as though he weren't even human. But Jimmy never gets angry. He doesn't beat them up or hate
them forever. He just gives them a big old grin. It's amazing to watch. First, his big brown eyes grow sparkly, and the corners of his mouth begin to twitch. Then, when his smile breaks and his small, white teeth peek through those lips, it's as if the sun has broken through the clouds.

Some people say they feel sorry for Jimmy and that it's too bad he isn't "normal." But you know what? In a way, I wish everyone on this earth were like my brother. Because no matter how mean people are to him, he always has a smile.

So now, if people are mean to me or make fun of me, I just give them a big old grin, because I've learned from my little brother that it's not how much your brain has developed or how many toes you have - it's how much your heart feels and how big a smile you wear.

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9. We Get Email [back to top]

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Hello Chick,

My five-year-old daughter always had an outgoing, active personality. Recently both her preschool teacher and I have noticed a change in her behavior. She appears to be intimidated when she is with peers. She refuses to initiate play and looms in the background waiting to be invited to join in playing. When she is not outwardly invited, she becomes visibly hurt and withdraws sullenly to play by herself. This is so contrary to her personality overall. How can I encourage her to be an initiator or join in on her own? She is so hurt by rejection, yet she brings it on herself by thinking the children should invite her. Any confidence and self-esteem-building ideas?

Sincerely,

Brenda's Mom

Hello, Brenda's Mom,

If you want a behavior, you have to teach a behavior. The behavior you want Brenda to exhibit is initiating play with a friend, inviting others to join her, or asking to be included. This is precisely the type of parenting skill we teach in the Parent Talk System parent trainings. Here is a shorthand version of this one-hour parent training skill piece.

First, pick a behavior: Inviting a friend to join you would be a good place to start.

List the steps it would take someone Brenda's age to perform that act. Since she is five, keep your list to three to five steps:

1. Decide whom to ask.

2. Decide what you would like the other person to do with you.

3. Go up to that person and call him or her by name; say, for example, "Mary."

4. Tell the person what you want. Say, "I'm going to play with the blocks.
Want to join me?"

5. If you get a yes, great. If you get a no, go on to another person.

Role-play this with Brenda four or five times until you think she has it. Inform her teacher. Give her strokes when she uses these new behaviors. Ask her how things went when she gets home from school. Debrief with her. If she has trouble handling no, make that the next behavior. Teach her steps for dealing with no. Again, if you want a behavior, you have to teach a behavior. Without direct teaching, it is unlikely she will learn.

Sincerely,

Chick Moorman

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10. Managing Your subscription [back to top]

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