The Response-Able Parent Newsletter
August 18, 2003

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Welcome! This is a free newsletter on becoming a Response-Able parent, raising Response-Able children.

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IN THIS ISSUE

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1. Quotes
2. Humor
3. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation
4. Facelift
5. The Wisdom of Children
6. Facts
7. Bumper Sticker
8. Questions and Answers
9. We Get Email: A Non-Proud Parenting Moment
10. Managing Your Subscription

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1. Quote [back to top]

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"Most American children suffer too much mother and too little father."

----Gloria Steinem

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2. Humor [back to top]

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin (5) and Ryan (3). The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the perfect opportunity to teach a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

Kevin immediately turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

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3. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation [back to top]

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What is it your children are trying to teach you about yourself today? Are you willing to learn it?

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Subscriber comments, ideas, and concerns are valued. Email your

comment to IPP57@aol.com

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4. Facelift [back to top]

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Increased traffic and demand for services has encouraged us to remodel our main Web page. The new look enables surfers to gain information quickly, sign up for both our newsletters, and access the new pressroom designed for media contacts.

Check out our new look at www.chickmoorman.com. You will also find the newsletter archives there.

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5. The Wisdom of Children [back to top]

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"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."

----Morgan, age 11

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6. Facts [back to top]

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The most likely cause of death for a 16-year-old in America is alcohol-related.

Forty-six percent of high schools say alcohol is their most serious problem.

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Privacy Statement: Under no circumstances do we sell, trade, or exchange your email address, ever. It is safe with us. Always!

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7. Bumper Sticker [back to top]

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Seen in Mosinee, WI, in the airport parking lot:

Are your kids making friends or drinking buddies?

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8. Questions and Answers [back to top]

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Hi Chick,

We have a problem with "fairness" around our house. My daughters are 14, 12 and 8. I try to be equal and fair to them all. But the reality is, sometimes one child needs more than another. I try to remind them we are talking about "stuff," not love. It just doesn't seem to be getting through and I need help. What is the correct PARENT TALK to use in this situation? What am I not seeing?

Thanks for your time. . Mother of 3 Sensational Sisters

Dear Mother of 3 Sensational Sisters,

"It's not fair" is a common childhood complaint. Parents hear it all the time.

"How come I didn't get any? It's not fair." "He got more than I did. It's not fair." "You let her stay up later. That's not fair."

"It's not fair" is victim language. It says, "Poor me. Ain't it awful." It is based on a faulty core belief that life is and should be fair at all times. The unrealistic expectation at the center of this belief is that I should have the same as everyone else because that is my right.

In reality, life is not fair. Two people can be speeding down the highway and only one gets a ticket. Two people can be exposed to the same virus and only one gets sick. The reality is that people can't expect that fairness will be applied to them at all times - it just isn't going to happen. To allow our children to believe otherwise is to set them up for reoccurring disappointment.

Ann Landers said, "Life is not fair. Get over it." True enough, but I like to be a bit more empathetic with my children. My Parent Talk is, "Different people have different needs." When a child complains about fairness, I reply, "I address needs. I don't spend any time running around trying to be fair or make things even. Tell me what you need, and we'll talk about seeing if we can make it happen."

I am currently single-parenting two grandchildren, Chelsea (15) and Austin (12). I use Parent Talk to let Chelsea and Austin know that I am not fair, that I don't try to be fair, and that what happens around our house will hardly ever seem fair to them. "If something does turn out fair," I tell them, "it was probably an accident."

For example, Chelsea wears glasses and Austin does not. If I treated them the same, both would have to wear glasses. But Austin doesn't need glasses and Chelsea does! Austin, however, does need braces, while Chelsea's teeth are perfectly straight. Austin gets braces. Chelsea gets glasses. The only thing I guarantee them is that they will each have opportunities to get their needs met.

Here's another example. The other day I bought Chelsea a volleyball net, poles, and ball. I brought nothing home for Austin.

Chelsea asked, "What do I get these for?"

"Since you're going to volleyball camp and trying to make the varsity this year, I thought you might need these."

"What did you get Austin?"

"Nothing."

"How come?"

"He isn't trying to make the varsity. Later, when he needs something, he'll get it. Different people have different needs. Right now it seemed like you needed these."

The "it's not fair" cry is an outgrowth of a faulty assumption that all children should be treated equally. If you buy into that myth, you set yourself up for constant complaints and hassles.

You wrote, "I try to be equal and fair to all of them." That in and of itself is a trap. Once children know you're trying to be fair and attempting to set things up so everything looks even, you're in trouble. If they know "fair" is a goal of yours, they can then use your positive intention to plead their case, manipulate you, and encourage you to feel guilty.

Be careful not to confuse "equality" with "equity." Trying to make things equal for children will cause a lot of pain for everyone involved. Even if you managed to parcel everything out in equal portions, they still wouldn't look equal through the eyes of your children.

Aim for equity rather than equality. Equity means that all children have comparable opportunities to be loved and appreciated and to have their needs met. Equity does not mean that all children are treated the same way. As you know from raising the 3 Sensational Sisters, no two children are the same, and there's no reasonable rationale for treating them as if they were.

"Fair" means more than everyone doing the same thing the same way at the same time. "Fair" means everyone getting what they need when they need it. Next time you hear "That's not fair," explain to your children that you're not attempting to treat them equally. Tell them, "Different people have different needs."

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9. We Get Email: A Non-Proud Parenting Moment [back to top]

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Hello Chick,

I really enjoyed the Parent Talk Facilitator Training in Dearborn! It was helpful to meet and share with the other program participants. I plan on offering a training to parents in my area as soon as my little munchkins are back in school.

I wanted to share a "non-proud parenting moment" with you. Here is the condensed version.

While driving in the car with my 10- and 7-year-olds (boy and girl), they began picking at one another. After several failed attempts at using "responsible" parenting tools, in an effort to bring an end to the chaos, I slipped into the "yelling Mom" routine.

After my tirade, I continued my "non-proud parenting moment" by sarcastically thanking the children for making me yell to get their attention. A few moments later, my 10-year-old son said to me, "Mom, I don't mean to be a smart alec, but, you know, we didn't 'make' you yell at us. You're always telling us that no one can 'make' us do anything. We are all responsible for our own actions. You always have choices...and you chose to yell."

Not much I could do then except smile and concur. After hearing my son accurately express what I had been attempting to teach him, the experience turned out to be a proud moment after all.

Dawn Zande Brady
Parent Talk System Trainer
Battle Creek, MI
brady@net-link.net

We've all had non-proud parenting moments, said things we wished we hadn't said, and done things we wish we hadn't done. Our behavior doesn't always represent the parent we would like to be.

Typically, in those moments, we become self-critical and use judgmental self-talk. We say things to ourselves like the following:

"I was a lousy parent."
"I was mean to my kids."
"I did a terrible thing."
"I am a bad mother."
"I was awful with my Parent Talk today."

I enjoy the way Dawn described her incident as a "non-proud parenting moment." Her choice of language focused on her internal reaction and was devoid of self-criticism. Her words helped her frame the situation as one moment in time and not as a perpetual state of being. She chose language that stayed away from branding her as being "that way" and allowed her to look at the situation and learn the lesson without beating herself up.

Thanks for sharing, Dawn.

Chick Moorman

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10. Managing Your subscription [back to top]

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